outside myself
September 08, 2003 � 3:17 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Confused as all bullshit

One I Gave My Heart To-Aaliyah

"It's fucked up...how life works out sometimes, huh?"-Jason Evans

Recurring thought-Oh My God...

A classic "What the Fuck?!!?" moment-I'm chilling at Jenny's house, bullshitting with the girls and washing my clothes when I get a voice mail at around 1:30. I listen to it and a voice said, "Hey girl...I am satnding right outside your door. Can I come in?"

It was Swiz.

******************************************************

This weekend was one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride.

It started off with me waking up and feeling shitty Saturday morning because when I had talked to Jenny the night before she had that "weird" tone to her voice when I said I could just chill at her place until she got home. I knew what the tone was. I knew it could only mean that Sue was there and Jenny wasn't sure if it would be cool for me to hang out there with the two of them alone or whatever. Since they saw me crying at the barbecue, they assumed it had to do with them and me not handling life well without him and now no one knows if it would be ok for me to be around them because he doesn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

Funny...I'm the only one that's comfortable with it but I'm the only one that gets singled out and is made to live my life around someone else's feelings. MY feeings or what I want isn't even taken into consideration at all. So what if I'm made to feel uncomfortable by being singled out and left out of certain activities? As long as everyone else is cool...then what's the problem, right?

Man...fuck them!

I am so sick and fucking tired of living my life around fucking Cowboy's life. I mean, I can't even see my best friend or hang out at her place if they are there. I can't have any kind of emotional outburst without it being connected to them. I am watched like I just might try to kill them or commit suicide at any moment if I am around them too long.

How the fuck is this?

I mean...am I fucking crazy...or does it seem like someone doesn't really want me to be over him? I am fine...I have moved on...I don't love him anymore and I have told him this, but I don't think he believes me. Dude...I don't think he really wants to believe I am over him. He is the one acting like he is having trouble letting go and I have to live my life around him because HE'S not comfortable with the fact that I AM comfortable around them and don't give a shit.

Whoa...I just realized that.

HE IS THE ONE NOT LETTING GO.

Wow...I guess the cards were right, Jenny. "You have won the war, now you need to find your peace."

I won. I really fucking won after all.

Holy Shit.

Anyway, so yeah, I was depressed and while I was writing my last entry Swiz called me. Yeah. Swiz called me out of the fucking blue and was talking about this and that and that he wanted to "get up" with me later...maybe. So I was like whatever and blew it off like nothing was said so I wouldn't get all excited and sit around waiting for him to call me.

I hate to admit it, but I was happy to hear from him. I was giddy the rest of the day.

I went home and Kye was there with my brother. I noticed he was looking a bit off and when Darryl left the room, I sat next to him and asked him what was up. He told me he was having problems getting his house and he was starting to think of it as a sign that he isn't meant to get this house with her. He said they had a bit of a tiff and he had came over to see me but Darryl was there and he would just go to the studio.

OK...he had a fight with his girl and he is rethinking their future together and the only person he wanted to see was me?

Uh...OK...?

Then Relly called and begged me to come see him because he hadn't seen me in so long and I was avoiding him and I was acting like I didn't have time for him anymore and blah, blah, blah, blah, balh...just throwing a mad guilt trip on me so I was like fine...I'll be there tomorrow (Sunday) to shut him the fuck up and get him off my case. I did feel bad because every time he asks me to come over I have an excuse not to because it always turns into some expedition with me having to drive them around or be bored and listening to them bicker or one of Relly's outlandish stories and lately...I just have not been beat. I am not feeling all the shit right now. I think I am outgrowing Relly and all the drama he brings, and it makes me kinda sad. Then I think maybe the whole "confession of bisexuality" has me skeeved out and I don't weant to be around him because of that. Or maybe I am just hurt and I feel betrayed that he would keep that away from me all this time and steady cock block me like it's his religion when he's been loving the cock all this time and making me miserable.

I don't know. I am so confused about it all.

I met Jenny's friend Jesse that night. Yo, she was so damn funny and pretty and the way she tells a story is fucking classic. She can turn making a sandwich into an event. Too bad she lives in Florida, though. It would be cool to get to know her.

Anyway, while we're there bullshitting, I missed a call and when I got the voice mail I nearly shit myself. It was Swiz telling me he was calling from outside MY DOOR!!! I ran from the room and went onto the patio to call him back and I told him I wasn't at home but in Sicklerville. We both started to sound all depressed and I asked if he wanted to stop by tomorrow (Sunday) but he was like he never knew what he was doing one minute to the next and he might not be able to come the next day. So I resigned to not seeing him until he started asking me where I was and waht I was doing and if anyone would mind if he came through and I started smiling so hard my cheeks were burning.

He came all the way out there to see me.

Just to see my face.

OK...so he saw a bit more than my face...but fuck...it was awesome.

Maybe what the psychic lady told me long ago is true...that I do have the "untrained gift and accute intuition" after all. I dreamt about having sex with Swiz and my thighs were sore when I woke up a few days ago. Then...out of nowhere...he calls me several times in one day...we DO talk some things over...we had sex in the back of my car...fell asleep next to each other...and I ended up laying there (well slouching) next to him and watching him sleep with tears in my eyes and my heart slowly breaking because in his sleep he had turned to me and held me close and mumbled,

"No...just want to stay here with you longer. Just stay here. Touch me. I love you, The-The."

The last thing I wanted to hear was some drunken, half-sleep confession of love from the guy I had just fucked in the back of my car and have secretly been in love with for 5 years...the guy that has been stalking my dreams and thoughts lately...the guy that makes me feel transcendental...

The guy that has a fucking girlfriend.

He has a girl he won't leave but comes to me...holds me...sleeps with me...

He's with her and loves me?

Can shit get any more complicated?

He hasn't called me yet, either.

I wonder if he knows what he said...

I wonder if he regrets it.

Damn.