cowboy convo#21
September 06, 2003 � 5:33 p.m.
Fisrt Entry Today
Mood-lost
When You Say My Name-Thursday
"No...it wasn't you. Don't ever think it was you. It was me. I was just so...fucked up and bitter. I never wanted to hurt you."-Ben Kirkley
Recurring thought-Exactly when did my life turn to shit?
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-I was staring out the window earlier and my brother walked in and asked what I was doing tonight. I said nothing, maybe going to Jenny's...if I'm allowed over there. And it smacked me hard in the face that my life has turned to shit. An asshole that never loved me and ruined my life still has some control over part of my life and I tolerate it like it's OK. Like it's normal.
How did I become a person that I hate so much?
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Let me explain something to you right now, asshole.
My tears...this hurt...I am not crying because I still love you.
Are you really that fucking arrogant to think that after what you said to me I would still be here crying over you and wanting you back?
Are you fucking insane?
Do you really think I am that insane?
I am not crying because I love you.
I am crying because you didn't love me.
I am crying for all the time I wasted on you. For all of the money I blew on you. For all the words I comforted you with. For all the times I lowered myself to touch you. For all the times I cursed myself by saying your name.
For all the times you looked in my eyes and flat out lied to me.
No, I am not crying because I love you.
I am crying because you didn't love me.
I am crying because you and your lies created something beautiful in my life and destroyed the last strands of hope I had left when the deception fell away.
I am crying because we had a baby. Because I had a baby...growing inside of me...my piece of immortality...the proof of our "love.
I am crying because God took that immortality away from me because he knows you are a liar and he saw I truly loved you and he knew that nothing good would come from those lies coming to term and breathing life.
I am crying because your lie killed my baby and while you live on day after day oblivious to it all, I wake up each morning in mourning, feeling so empty inside, wondering what life would have been like...what would I be doing now if my baby was still growing inside.
I am not crying because I love you.
I am crying because you did not love me.
I am crying because you are not and never were worth the destruction you caused in my life. I am crying because I believed in you fully. I am crying because I will never be the same again. Because I will never be able to believe again. Because you proved every fear or suspicion I harbored inside about men to be true. I am crying because the man I loved never even existed, yet I miss that man...that figment...that fallacy...that lie.
Don't you dare ever think that any tears you see escaping my eyes are because I am still in love with you. Don't even think I am crying because I want you back or miss you or am jealous or regretting you.
I am not crying because I love you, asshole.
I am crying because you didn't love me.
I am crying because I never deserved this...and you never deserved me.
I am crying because it was all a lie.
I am crying because you didn't love me...
and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life.