friends, enemies, and voyeurs...lend me your ears
August 26, 2003 � 7:02 p.m.

Third Entry Today

Mood-disgustingly chipper

Lightening Crashes-Live

"Sir, Custer was a pussy...and you ain't."-We Were Soldiers

Recurring thought-Why do I feel so damn nervous?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-I go home to eat my nice last piece of chicken that I had hidden in my fridge, but MY BROTHER found it and ate it!!!!

YOU KILLED MY CHICKEN.....YOU BASTARD!!!

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When I left here yesterday, I was completely bummed. I was so lost in the thoughts of Cowboy and his girl and the barbeque and all that bullshit. I went home and all I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin and slink into a nice cold vodka mixer.

Ahhhhh...serenity now.

After my third one, I remembered how Jenny had emailed me while in my bummed state and I had rambled off some bullshit about being upset about how he had called me "his ex", blah, blah, and blah...so I called her. I actually had a reason for calling her this time. It wasn't my usual bullshit. See, the guilt was building up so much inside of me that I just had to finally say something to her...confess...ask...acquiese...whatever it could have been seen as, I had to it, or it would eat me alive.

See, since we have been hanging tough (ah you like the New Kids reference don't ya?), I have been catching mad flack from my "friends". Whenever I mention Jenny's name, they mention Cowboy's...like the two are one in the same...and lately, it's been more blatent and more relative somehow to whatever conversation I am having at the time with these "friends". It wasn't until I let the vodka swim around and go treasure hunting in my brain that I realized what has really been bothering and nagging at me. It's not Cowboy, surprisingly, no...it's these "friends".

They sit there and look me dead in the face and basically call me a liar, a manipulator, and a loser. They insinuate that I'm not really friends with Jenny and that I'm just using her as an excuse to get next to Cowboy. I know I went over this before, but it's been getting worse...the snide little comments, the innuendo, the disbelief and sarcasm that flashes across their faces and is laced in their words whenever I bring up Jenny. It was to the point where I just didn't want to mention her to anyone because they all made me feel so shitty about it all.

They made me the villian.

They made me feel ashamed...of my friendship with Jenny and my feelings for Cowboy...they made me feel like a fucking fool.

And last night it all became clear. That was why I was in such a funk, but I was so fucked up by it, I actually started to BELIEVE it was true!! So I had to call Jenny and ask her if she thought I was using her. To ask her if it seemed like I didn't really enjoy her company. To ask her if it seemed like I was chasing after Cowboy.

She was surprised I had to ask and really disappointed in the people that made me think that way. She told me that I wasn't using her and we have a real connection...something rare for women our age especially after ll of the things that have jaded our emotional constitutions. She said it never crossed her mind and we had always been cool...in fact, it had always been me and her trying to arrange everything so we could all hang out and do the couples thing (when we were couples).

She told me I was her best friend, and when she said it, I honestly watched as the mists cleared away.

It doesn't matter what the fuck these "friends" think I'm doing. They don't give a fuck about me anyway. I'm just the girl everyone comes to when they have problems and they want me to sit and listen and give them advice and console them when shit goes wrong...but you know what? None of that is ever reciprocated. Whenever I speak, they sit there and wait for me to stop talking so they can tell their story. When I asked their advice, the only thing I ever got was "You just need to leave him alone and try to get over it." No matter what the story was, that was the automated response. They weren't there for me when I was alone and scared and crying and depressed. They weren't there for me when things were rocky for me and Cowboy when we were still together. They weren't there for me when I lost the baby. Hell...they didn't even bother to notice when I was going through my psuedo breakdown. None of them. Only Jenny stuck by me, and now they have the nerve to act all fucking superior and treat me like I'm no good. They make me out to be the bad guy...the asshole...the jerk...the idiot.

But no more.

Hear this now, everyone...

I love Jenny and Cowboy. That's right, both of them. And you know why? Because they both saw me when no one else did. They both cared for me when everyone else was turning away. They both loved me when I was my most unlovable. Because of that, I don't give a fuck about whatever happens between Cowboy and me, he will ALWAYS have a place in my heart and in my life because more than anything, I know he loved me and cared about me once and in a round about way he still does. I'm not ashamed of him or any of it. Confused, but not ashamed. And Jenny will always be considered the best friend I ever had. Even if she stopped speaking to me tomorrow, she would always have that rank in my life because I never had a girlfriend as cool and as free as she is. I never admired anyone like I do Jenny...never loved a chick as much I love her.

I will not let these "friends" influence and convince me that everything good in my life is tainted and ugly. My love for Cowboy was and is a good thing. My friendship with Jenny will always be the best thing. All this time I have been second guessing the things that were good and were real based on the biased fake entities that surround me. These people I considered "friends" and held close to me and would do anything to help, were doing nothing more than throwing more confusion into my already convoluted life.

And people wonder why I have trust issues. Look at the shit people I actually care about put me through. They're not happy unless I'm miserable...and all theirs.

It's flattering in a fucked up psycho type of way.

It doesn't matter anymore...they don't matter anymore...things are finally starting to sort themselves out and things are coming into focus.

The bitch is making her way back into the building.

Take cover because I think she has a semi automatic and is PMS'n like a ma'fucka....

*chuckles*

All yall fake ass ma'fuckas can kiss my yella ass!!

Bitch asses.