got to give it up
August 21, 2003 � 7:42 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Mood-reflective

Do Right-Roger Rabbit Soundtrack

"Why are women so quick to move from confusion to Confucius? Are we looking for "lessons" to lessen the pain?"-Sex In The City

Recurring thought-I want some dick soooooo bad!! Why don't these asshole stop teasing me?!!?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Ric telling me he would come over to have sex but he knows that I would just chicken out at the last minute.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!

CAN A BITCH GET A BREAK SOMEWHERE?!?!

I MEAN DAMN!!!!!

********************************************************

So last night was quite interesting. I sat around bored as hell...flicking from channel to channel...frustrated as hell because the damn chinese food man took an hour to come to my house with my damn food. Bad part was he kept calling me and asking for directions but never listening when I tell him how to get there.

"I no see no 27c."

"There is no 27c...just 27 and 27b."

"No c here...where is c?"

"There is no..."

"Okay, where you at?"

"I'm across from the car wash, down the road between the tattoo parlor and the bakery..."

"Near bowling alley?"

"No...on the..."

"Right. Near the Woodmere."

"Well...sorta...but..."

"Bowling alley?"

"What?"

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"Right."

"What are you talking about?"

"Okay...be right there...bye bye!"

After 7 conversations like this, when he got to the door I was about ready to wring his little neck. I snatched my food and was real pissed I had had his tip already added on to my card when I made the order. He had the nerve to be chipper and said "Oh...THIS 27!! I know where you are now!" Yeah...no shit sherlock. I answered the damn door didn't I?

So I'm picking through my luke warm food, sloshing down my vodka and iced tea concoction, and angrily sucking on my ciggy when Ric calls. We chit chat back and forth, my tone pretty flat and disinterested until he asks what I was doing. I even sat up straight as if he was walking through the door. "Want company?" he oozes, to which I hesitate and then stupidly giggle an ok. "What are we going to do, TeTe?" OK...so that question stumped me. I'm thinking all of the obvious answers like "fuck like minks", "count ceiling tiles", "do shit that would have the devil taking notes"...shit like that...but I, in my infinite wisdom, croak out, "I don't know...whatever."

He laughed, I love hearing him laugh, and then he said, "You never know, TeTe, and when I come up with some ideas, you sit there like a scared virgin on her wedding night. You're all talk, girl, but good talk. No one gives better lip service than you." I sat there stunned and then shreiked how I wasn't all talk and that I "do stuff" but he just intimidated me. More laughter. "Oh TeTe...if I knew it would be different I would swing by there on my way home from Camden. But it won't be...it will be like it always is...and I don't think I can sit around you smelling your perfume, watch you lick your lips or bite your lower lip with your little rabbit teeth...mmmmmm or watch how your tits rise and fall when you breathe...naw...fuck that, Tee. Not now. You are too fucking adorable for me to be able to sit around you and just be your friend right now...not tonight. Another time."

I sputtered out "But...but...but..." and that's about it. I wanted him to come over so bad and just do me all sorts of wrong, but part of me knew he was probably right...especially since him calling me TeTe made me think of Swiz, and then I remembered they were cool, and I still don't know what's going on with THAT situation yet.

So yeah...once more I trick myself out of some dick.

Fucking idiot.

Later, Jenny called me back and we talked about some things. I tried to make it clear to her that I don't come over there to see Cowboy...I come there to see her. I mean, she saw me when I was invisible...reached for me when I was labled as an untouchable...and soothed me when I was unconsolable. I will always adore her for that. And it pisses me the fuck off that folks are acting like it's not possible for me to be her friend and I have ulterior motives.

Unless my motive is to go over there to be ignored and treated like shit, I don't see how anyone could think that. Jen's fucking awesome...we have so much fun together doing nothing...can talk about anything...am I destined to lose someone else I love because other folks are trying to fuck me up in the head with their own jealous suspicions? More than that, they must have a really low opinion of me to think I would do something that devious just so I can sit around and see how happy my ex is without me and watch him parade around with his new white girlfriend that he just met over the internet, but want to "settle down" with...

Yeah...yeah that's my plan....I'm using Jenny so I can see how blissful he is without me and show him how miserable I am without him.

Brilliant, aren't I?

Jeez...I wish people would just leave me alone and mind their own fucking business.

And Jenny might have met someone. At first I was put off, being the selfish bitch that I am and wanting to keep her to myself, but then I relented, knowing that if anyone deserves to be happy, by God, it's her, and I would have to adapt to not having her to myself anymore.

I sound like a jealous girlfriend, don't I?

Damn.

Anyway, after taking a shower, I was laying across the bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking how different it would be counting the bumps if someone was on top of me and doing his best to distract me from counting them, when I crossed my legs and got...that feeling.

I had to pause and sit real still to see if I had really felt it or imagined it, but when my hand grazed my leg, I knew it was there. Yup.

It was "Alone Time"...and it been so long since I had done anything, that after about 5 minutes it was over.

I'm a one minute woman!!

Damn it all to hell!!!

If I don't get some attention or affection some time soon...I fear for the guy who ends up getting me sometime down the line. I just might fuck him into unconciousness!!!

Damn that Cowboy and him making me into some kind of fucking nympho and now I can't get it when I want it!!!

Damn man...something's got to give.

Soon.