she knows
August 25, 2003 � 3:55 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-sad and anxious

I'm Still Alive-Pearl Jam

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."-The Princess Bride

Recurring thought-Oh my God...what have I done and how will get through this Sunday?

A classic "What the Fuck!?!?" moment-Cowboy telling me it's cool that we're all going to be at the BBQ because quote "She knows you're my EX."

Oh.

So that's all I am.

Thanks for reminding me.

*****************************************************

You know, I must have been a real son of a bitch in my past life because I am catching hell for no good reason in this one.

It's like that saying, "That which does not kill you, makes you want to die."

I want to die....oh God I want to die, want to die, want to die!!

This weekend has been awful. I haven't had any time to myself at all. My brother I can deal with. We had fun watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the History channel and shit, but every damn time I turned the fuck around his fucking girl was there. She was there Saturday during the day, left, picked him up later, and then came back with him in the middle of the night while I'm washing my dishes in my t-shirt and underwear. Yeah...my t-shirt and underwear. It was fucking 2:30 am! How was I supposed to know she would be coming back with him??!!

Then she came Sunday afternoon, about an hour after me and Darryl woke up. She stayed awhile and then left...only to come back at like 8:00 and stayed til whenever. I mean what the fuck, yo?!?!? She is constantly up my ass! No time to unwind...relax...kick back...I can't even fart if I felt like it because the bitch is right there!! She's always there! She's never gone!!!

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!?!?!?!

I was sooooooooo fucking happy to get out of the house to go over Jenny's to do some laundry. I practically sprinted out of the house. My own house. I was escaping my own fucking house. I have to talk to my brother. I know he likes her and all but I don't need to see the bitch every damn day so they're going to have to work something the fuck out.

Anyway, so I get to Jenny's and Cowboy was on the couch...shirtless. I was a bit taken aback, but then it all just seemed so normal that I kept on walking. I go in the kitchen and shoot the shit with Jenny, and he comes in with this hat on. He gives me his "not sure" smile and asks me what I thought of the hat. I told him it was cute...very gilligan. He laughed and said he got it down at the shore. So we sit there chit chatting, when he gets this huge grin on his face like he had just remembered something and he turns around and BAM! he has his chest in my face. Actually, his nipple. He got some new shark nipple ring which was cool as shit, but I really didn't need to see it...or that fucking tattoo that damn close to my face. It was so close I could just stick out my tongue and lick it....if I was so inclined.

So while I'm still reeling from the shock of his nipple in my grill, he comes into the kitchen again and invites me to a BBQ that he's having next Sunday.

OK...now I'm all kinds of flabbergasted and astounded, and part of me was so happy that I wanted to hug him, but there was some nagging sensation in the back of my mind that I couldn't shake. When he goes upstairs, I race up after him because we had business to talk about (my gift for Jenny's birthday...whether or not he thought I should get it) and while standing in the same room with him while he was naked under the sheet, I felt this overwheling sense of peace. I thanked him for inviting me and asked him if he was really cool with it because I didn't have to come, and he told me as long as I wouldn't be uncomfortable he wouldn't be uncomfortable. I asked if his girl was cool with it, and he said "She knows that you're my ex."

She knows that you're my ex.

She knows that I'm his ex.

Instant deflation of the ego.

I don't even know why it surprised me or why it bothered me the way it did, but it hurt like hell to hear him say that to me.

"You're my ex."

So that's all I am, huh? Fuck! I couldn't just be a friend? He had to lable me to his new bitch as "his ex"?!?!

And now I have to be around them...and his friends...and Jenny's friends. I will be surrounded by people who know that I am "his ex" and know that the other chick is "his girl". I wanted to cry. I just wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry and die.

How am I supposed to be around them? If he kisses her or hugs her or touches her...what then? How will I react? What if she cuts her eyes at me or gives me dirty looks or even worse...that "ha!" look? What will I do then?

And I can't back out...not now. If I back out it will look like I can't handle it and I don't want them to know they have the upper hand!

I don't want him to know how bad he's fucked me up in the head!!

Even worse, I don't have anyone I could take with me to be a buffer. Someone to lean over and kiss me when the tears sting or hold my hand when I get quiet and solomn to tell me it'll be alright. I will be there, totally naked and alone in front of God and everybody...pretending that I'm ok and I don't care and he didn't hurt me...no he didn't destroy me at all...

I have to pretend that no one else there knows what he did to me...how he lied to me...how he left me...how was probably cheating on me...

I have to pretend that everything is fine.

I'm ok, you're ok, everybody's ok.

So this sensation of just wanting to fucking die is just all an illusion, huh?

Sure is fooling me.

Damn.