smokes, hats, tats, and confusion
July 28, 2003 � 5:58 p.m.

Mood-PMS'n

Crazy Feelings-Missy Elliot

"I do...until we die, and die, and die again...for all eternity." Natural Born Killers

Reacurring thought for the day- Damn him and that tattoo!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!?" moment-Getting back to Jenny's and having Cowboy come flying down the steps and grinning boyishly at me as he shows me his new tattoo...a tat that looks nothing like the original picture he showed me...and kinda has me thinking in the back of my mind that she looks strangely familiar...she...looks...like...me...

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!! Let me find out!!!!

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So this weekend was a blast!

I get over to Jenny's Saturday morning and Cowboy pokes his head down the steps, smiles sleepily, and says hi before disappearing back upstairs. He then comes shuffling back down with "that look" on his face and he says "I have a question for you." I used to hate it when he would do that when we were together because I never knew what the hell he would say after that and I could never tell by looking at his face.

So I look at him sideways and say "sure what is it?"(I almost said "And I have an answer for you" which was our schtick...it always made him smile...I do not know why) He looks a bit uncomfortable and so I get uncomfortable until he blurts it out. The question I have been waiting so long for him to ask me again....ahhhh swoon...are you ready?

He asked to borrow my car.

Ha! Tricked ya!! That's just how I felt when he asked me. I looked at him and simply said "sure sweetie, no problem" before I had really processed the question. I was about to renig like a muthafucka, but he looked so happy and he smiled so brightly at me I couldn't resist. He stood there and let his body slump and we smiled at each other sadly, realizing how far apart we are now. Nothing moved...not a sound was made...time froze to make that five seconds the longest, most perfect five seconds ever.

I broke the spell by looking away and reaching into my purse to get him the keys. He took them and then scrambled back upstairs. He came back down excitedly showing me his wad of cash from the house settlement and telling me what he planned to do with my car for the day. I wanted to tell him he didn't have to tell me every little thing he was planning on doing, but I honestly just wanted to hear him talk. It was the first time we had been all alone and talking civilly without any weirdness since...damn...3 weeks before we broke up. It felt good. I miss his rambling and nonsensical outbursts so I just listened...looking him in the face and smiling...so happy and hurting inside that I felt sick to my stomach...and all I wanted to do was fall into his arms and let him tell me it would all be alright.

I didn't though. I sat there with my fake frozen smile like a good girl, sitting on my hands so they wouldn't betray me and reach out for him...biting my tongue so my mouth wouldn't fly open and spew every thought and hope that has been floating around in my brain since he had left me...rapidly blinking my eyes and never letting them focus on anything long enough for those tell tale tears to come flooding down. I was a good girl, yup.

I didn't let him make me cry.

So we talked and he showed me a picture of the tat he wanted to get...some curvey, sassy devil chick with bootie shorts, sneaks, amd a tank top. All in all a cool ass tat. He threw some clothes on and with that, he was on his way out the door. He paused and turned back to me and said, "Thank you, Thea...really...thank you so much." Again, we smiled at each other and then he was gone.

Oddly enough...after he was gone, I felt good about it all.

So me and Jenny hit the road and went to Deleware to get some smokes and as luck would have it, someone gave us directions to the Value City down there and we went and got her gangster outfit for our night out. It was so funny...I had her trying on everything I thought might be relativly cute. She was in the dressing room like half an hour! The dressing room attendant lady thought we were a couple, which started me thinking that EVERYONE must think we're a couple when we go out together. I never noticed how much we bicker and snicker back and forth, or how others might perceive seeing us act that way towards each other.

How cute. We look like a couple.

When we get back in Jersey, we hit the Berlin Mart and let me just say that that was a HUGE mistake for me! I went to the perfume store and blew $70. I really did not have that money to blow. We go to the hat store and find the hats we want to get. Apparently, the only hat they had that fit my face was a cowboy (don't even) type hat. Because it was Harley Davidson, its like 50$. Jenny said I looked really good in it though, so now I have to get it, and we found her a sharp ass hat to go with her outfit.

I must say, my little lesbian love is going to be looking sexy as all hell when we dress up. If she don't get a girl while we're out, then there is definitly something wrong with the world.

We then trekked to the Chinese artifact store. I had been in there before, but I was only on the side with the treasure boxes (I love treasure boxes!). I never knew they had necklaces and stuff. I bought me and Jenny some chains, and that's when I saw them.

Swords.

I tell you, if I was a guy, I would have had a fucking woody out of this world!! I don't know why that shit turns me on so much, but it does...whew.

I got a double edged hand blade that actually looks like a set a wings now that I think about it, and Jenny bought me this cool ass dagger in a hand painted sheath. I was in Heaven.

So now that we both know we have spent waaaaaaaaay much more than we were supposed to, we took our asses home.

We get in and Jenny's cat jumped at me and I dropped the soda I was barely able to hold and it spilled all over the place. At that moment, Cowboy comes flying down the steps like a boy on Christmas morning and stands by me proudly. I glance over at him...nervous of the close proximity...and then I see it.

The notorious tattoo.

I smile at it, not really looking at it because I had to clean up the soda. When I was done, I looked at it again and fell into a state of shock. I stared at it, looked up at his grinning, smug face, and then back at the tattoo. I couldn't breathe.

It reminded me of me. I looked back into his face dazed, and he just looked at me...smiling wide and flexing his chest muscles (he really is like a big kid sometimes) and rubbing the skin around it. He said she has blue eyes and actual eye make up to give her the "Egyptian eyes". I know I must have looked confused as hell, but I tried to hide it as best I could. I started to get excited and said I wanted to get one, probably in September. He said his guy was good and would give me a deal because I was his friend (sigh). He said he should be able to do it with out damaging my skin. I smiled and said great...couldn't wait to go...and then he said the oddest thing.

He said he would go with me.

O.....K......??!!

When he went upstairs, I sat there with Jenny, staring into space and grinning like an idiot over that fucking tattoo.

What does that mean...if it means anything at all? Who is it supposed to be, if it's supposed to be anyone in particular at all?

I mean...am I crazy? Is it supposed to be me...or is it his general preference of the chicks he likes?

I have no fucking clue.

I just know I have been smiling all weekend. Every time I think of that tat and the cute smile on his face I start smiling like the town idiot with a big secret.

I'm smiling right now.

Damn me to hell!