...so wrong...
March 25, 2005 � 10:27 p.m.

So yes, I was in a car accident.

Now, the car accident wasn�t fatal or bad or anything�I just have some minor damage to my bumper. I was hit from behind and the woman who hit me has claimed fault, so her insurance has to pay for my car to get fixed. But the fucked up part is all the drama I have been going through since then.

First of all, I didn�t wait for the cops. Stupid, I know that�NOW, but I really didn�t know any better at the time. The lady two cars back thought the light turned green so she stepped on the gas and hit the girl in front of her, who in turn banged the shit out of me. Luckily, I was far back from the car in front of me and I didn�t hit anyone. But because everyone was cooperating and no one was hurt or anything, I thought we didn�t need to call the cops, especially since neither of them even suggested it. I just got the info and took my salty ass to work�because heaven forbid I be late for work, right?

But an hour after the crash, I started having back pains and headaches. I just figured it was an adrenalin drop kind of thing, and didn�t want to go to the hospital�because I really didn�t feel like sitting there for fucking lord knows how long just to be sent home. Well, my back has been hurting since then. The headaches come and go. I can�t sleep the way I�m used to laying, and the only way I can lay without my back hurting makes my damn knee hurt. The kicker? I am now going to a chiropractor for therapy, but that comes out of MY pocket.

Wait�it gets better.

So yeah, they�ll fix my car, but I have to put up a $300 deposit for the rental car while my car gets fixed. I HAVE TO PUT UP $300 FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN�T EVEN MY FAULT. Isn�t that grand? So�Geico accepts liability, but they won�t pay for my doctor bills or get Enterprise to waive the fee so I can get the rental car. And they only pay for 5 days of rental. If I go over 5 days, I�m on my own. Isn�t that just fucking fabulous? I tired to keep shit simple, but when I saw how I was getting dry ass fucked, my mom sent me to a lawyer.

And he can�t do shit for me.

Unfortunately, all that is happening to me is legal due to the new legislature in Jersey. There�s some shit called a verbal clause in my insurance that says I have to pay up to $250 in my medical bills before they kick in. Also, the thing with the rental car, is Enterprises� policy so that someone just doesn�t take off or fuck up the cars while they�re out and Geico really doesn�t have any say over their policies. They can only see if they can get them to drop the auth from $300 to $100�after that�all bets are off. The lawyer tells me I can�t sue, even though I am hurt. The only way I would have a case is if I have some kind of PERMANENT damage. So it�s ok that my back acts up and I get headaches, because I can still function�but if I had been put in a wheel chair, we�d be in business. And even worse, I was never in it for money. I just wanted to make sure my car get properly fixed, my doctor�s bills get paid, and the stupid deposit gets dropped�but that�s not important enough for a lawyer to get involved in. So I�m fucking fucked.

I�m uncomfortable all day at work, and then I can�t sleep at night. In-between. I have these headaches that range in intensity that come and go at random. I have not really been sleeping, and when I do finally drift off, I keep having these fucking nightmares about Adam leaving me for some reason or another, and I wake up panicked. I�ve been late to work twice, I can�t concentrate, and today, I was blessed with one of my breakdowns at work.

I told Lola I didn�t want to talk, and gratefully, she left me alone. But then Adam called and thought I was pissed at him because he didn�t call me last night (it was his birthday�and when he didn�t call, I just figured he might be talking to his dad or something. I had talked to him earlier that day anyway, so even though I was disappointed, it wasn�t really a big deal), and kept asking me what was wrong. I begged him to just let it drop and leave me alone, but he just kept at it. True to form, I blurt out that everything is wrong with us and I don�t know why he wants me and I start crying. It�s really hard being here and having him there and trying to find a happy medium. Because I�m NOT happy with the situation at all. Everyday I have to fight the feeling that I�m being a fucking idiot or that he�s using me or that he doesn�t love me or that when he comes home he won�t have anything to do with me. Every fucking day I have to convince myself not to say or do anything to fuck this up, because if I don�t tell myself not to, I WILL do or say something completely asinine to piss him or make him start to wonder just the fuck what DOES he want to be with me for. Today though, I felt it unraveling. Not just about us�about everything. The cousin situation, my car, my money, being lonely�being ALONE. It was all just too much, and when he wouldn�t just let me go and let it pass, it kinda spilled out, but not all the way or not in a way that made sense because I was at work, so he probably still doesn�t know what�s going on with me�which to me, only makes it worse. Because he thinks he fixed it. He thinks he knows what it was about. But he didn�t and he doesn�t. It�s about my insecurities, yes, but it�s also about him not being here. It�s about me needing him HERE. It�s about him not knowing or understanding how hard it is for me to accept all of this in stride.

It�s because I�m a fucking nutcase, basically.

And now I fear that today might have fucked us all up. Well�I�m afraid and relieved, actually. If he doesn�t want to be with me, it would hurt�but in my crazy head, it would be the right thing for him to do. I feel so�insignificant and completely worthless after all my cousin said and not having any money or food in the house and not being able to get my godson anything for his birthday on Sunday�which happens to be Easter and then the accident and phone calls that might or might not come at designated times from him. It�s too much. It really is. And now I don�t know what to do. As much as I love him�and I do love him�part of me wants him to just go away because I am not used to feeling this strongly or completely for someone. I keep waiting for the catch, you know? Like something HAS to be wrong or go wrong because we actually love each other and want to have a future with each other.

I mean�who the fuck would want a future with me?

He says he does.

I don�t know�but for some reason�I feel that SOMEBODY is crazy in this scenario�

I�m just not sure who it is yet.

(And Angel darlin'...thank you for calling last night! I was going to call you today...but it's not a good day, you know? I WILL be calling you soon though, love. Soon.)