sing a song as we go along
December 18, 2004 � 12:07 a.m.

Sleigh bells ring�are you listening?

One of my favorite seasonal songs is Winter Wonderland. I just adore that song. Every time I hear it, I can�t help but act out the words like I had to do for my 4th grade recital. That song means happiness.

A beautiful sight�we�re happy tonight�

I have been humming the damn thing for days now, ever so angry because I haven�t heard it on the radio yet. It�s not a Christmas song to me, but it does bring me happy thoughts of Christmases past�and snow. When I was a child I adored the snow. I would stay outside until my fingers were blue and my nose was near frozen, playing vicariously in the soft clouds of ice. I still love the snow. Nothing compares to a world freshly blanketed with snow. Before anything disturbs it�the way it frosts the world and makes everything quiet and lovely and peaceful�and dreamy. Snowflakes are dreams rushing down to kiss our upturned cheeks.

Later on, we�ll conspire�as we dream by the fire�

I haven�t spoken to the Queen since Sunday. She ambushed me once again by giving the Sperm Donor my phone number. Needless to say, I was surprised. Even more useless to mention, I was hurt. And of course�I spent the whole night sobbing my heart out�wishing for the father long lost to me and for a mother that understands me�wondering why in my whole life, it was never ok for me to just be a normal kid. Everything has always been extraordinary or dramatic or traumatic�it was never just�fun. We were never just�a family. We could never just�love. Everything has a catch. And each catch has a consequence. And we are all constantly paying dues. So I sing this and smile instead of crying.

To face unafraid�the plans that we�ve made�

I hum and hum and hum�thinking of fireplaces and cuddling up on couches and frolicking like mad in the snow. I think of Adam�and kisses we stole in the snow when no one was looking. I think about how I cried when my mom didn�t buy a tree and he sat there and held my head, begging me not to cry, and I caught him with tears in his eyes for me as he covered me with kisses and told me not to worry�before running out a getting me my own tree. I think about us huddled against the wind, our faces flushed as we did nothing more than stare at each other and giggle. I hum and wonder if we will be walking in our own wonderland next year, holding hands like we can�t bear to not be touching, whispering secrets while the dreams kiss us all over. Then we could have a snowball fight before running into the house exploding with laughter and kisses�strip down to the skin and make love while the world lulls in our happiness�and then fall asleep embracing like nothing will ever make us stop.

He�ll say, Are you married�we�ll say, No man�but you can do the job when you�re in town�

Yeah�sing, sing, sing�with my head bopping from side to side�with thoughts of trees and twinkle lights and snow�of happy families, rambunctious children, and superfluous lovers. How could you not have happy thoughts while singing that song? It sings my body electric, and whenever I hear it, I know I am loved.

Can you feel it, too?

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Walking in a winter wonderland.