Unfurling
November 07, 2006 � 2:48 a.m.

Sometimes you get so small, the only thing you can do is try to grow again. So many nights I have sat in front of this screen with my mind muddled with thoughts I needed to expel, but my fingers could do nothing more than hover above the keys frozen, telling me I�m better than this�better than the pitiful whining I had planned on unleashing into the void just for the sake of whining, because in truth, things had started spiraling up for me finally. My bad luck streak seems to be leaving me and I have been gathering my bearings. One morning, I just woke up, gazed at my room through my canopy drapes (yes�I finally have the bed of a pretty, pretty princess!!), and I smiled. I smiled. For no reason. And I kept it for a whole day. By the time I went to sleep that night, I felt so much better�I knew change was coming.

Yeah, I hate where I am because it�s so far from everything civilized, but I love where I dwell in the city I hate. I love this house. I love crazy pets that have welcomed me. I love having someone to talk to at the end of the night about girl stuff. I love racing to Starbucks and Target with someone while laughing at nothing and singing off key or sitting at the kitchen table at midnight reading tarot cards. I love being with Jen. I had never noticed just how much I had really missed us until we became �us� again. I am forever grateful for her hospitality.

So I have a great place to live, my car is working, I just got a job I start the end of the month, I quit smoking, my book should be ready next week, and I find myself generally in a good mood most days. There�s still dark spots looming, though. Like my brother accusing me of �stealing� money and not paying bills the last few months we cohabited, which he is wrong about, but you know, I don�t care. If he can think that of me�really�after everything I have done and given and sacrificed for him while we lived together�then fuck him. Seriously. He stayed with me rent free for a year. He used my car more than I did until he got his own. I rushed home from work and made sure to wake him and get him out every night in time for work�and now I am a thief. He won�t even speak to me. I was accused and then dismissed, when it�s nothing more than a misunderstanding of bills crossing (yeah�I am unemployed and haven�t had any income since August, remember), but if he wants to be like this�then I�m done. He�s been acting the fuck up every since I brought home a boyfriend instead of hiding him from him. I am a grown fucking woman. Fuck you if you can�t accept that. Fuck you for thinking so little of me. I have no more family as far as I�m concerned. I�m done. I wish it didn�t hurt like hell to say that, but it does. Every time I think about him, I feel like there�s butterflies with razor blade wings fluttering in my chest and all I want to do is cry. He�s been my comrade through so much in our crummy childhood and now he�s gone. Just like that�I�m nothing. How do you rebound from that? I�m not even going to try. I�m just going to let it go. I�m tired of fighting to keep people in my life that obviously don�t want to be here.

I still don�t know what�s up with my Suzuki, so that�s always on my mind. These are going to be some pretty lonely holidays, but I don�t have money for gifts anyway, so I guess that�s a good thing. I have no cash flow. All my cards are now over the limit because I haven�t had the money to pay so I got hit with late fees and then over the limit fees. My love life no longer exists. I am lonely and scared and frustrated.

And I�m growing. Can�t forget that I�m growing�and that I�m doing better than I have done in a long, long time. I actually found my smile ya�ll.

Who would have thunk that possible?