failing, fueling, and fading
June 17, 2005 � 12:50 a.m.

Funny thing is...I've run out of things to say.

My life is spiraling out of control and I seriously don't know how to stop it.

My relationship, my love, is on the skids. We have been having troubles lately...fighting mainly, but he will not let me go. I have proof pretty much, that he has been talking to other women, but until I have hardcore evidence, I have nothing but accusations that get rebuffed...and he will not let me go. I have tried several times to break it off, but he comes up with a legitamate argument to the contrary and begs me to stay but when I go to leave, he will not let me go.

Yesterday, we were finally together for a few moments. I saw him, and he looked so different...but I still saw the mischevious boy I knew in him, and it was like no time had passed. I was jittery and nervous, but we fell into conversation easily, and before we could begin, it was over. They took him away from me but allowed him to call me. I was thinking the whole time, now it will be done...now he won't want me...but when he called he made sure to make something clear. "I love you, Thea. I just love you, ok?" he said, his voice miserable and broken, but he made sure to emphasize that...and say my name with authority, like he wanted to get his point across...that he loves me...and he knows he loves me...and wants me to know it. I took his declaration gracefully, and admittedly, it touched my heart deeply before breaking it, because then my mind kept screaming, "Then why do you hurt me so?". And then it all came to me in waves, bits of information from his friend basically confirming what I have been thinking, but still my heart cries that it isn't true. And then I decide to cheat on him with Swiz, and every obstacle imaginable stopped me, and before I fell asleep last night, everything inside of me knew, it was for a reason. I am wrong about something with Adam...maybe the girls are just friends or the calls weren't made by him or maybe I just need to know for sure before doing something stupid, I don't know. I just know someone somewhere stopped me last night, and I'd be a fool not to heed that. And so, I am giving it one more chance...the chance he begged me for a week ago, and if I find out all is what it is, then we will just be friends, and maybe try to pick things up when he gets home. I just keep thinking, why would he lie? Why wouldn't he just take the out and be friends for now so he can talk to women freely? Why does the title mean so much to him? Why does he do things to piss me off, but then fight so hard to keep me?

And Swiz, yes, has resurfaced. We talked a few times, but then he was calling me in the middle of the night a couple of times, and each time I would just look at the phone and then turn over and go to sleep. So I know where his mind is. He wants to start up again. I would lie if I said I didn't feel good when he said he missed me and had lost my number when his phone broke and was hoping I'd call again. He promised to stay in touch this time. And now I am dreaming of him every night.

Let's add one more log to the fire shall we?

Nikki Giovanni has seen some of my poems and told my mom to get me to gather enough together to bring to her and she will help me get copyrighted and published. MY OWN BOOK. BUT I AM DRY AS AN OLD WELL. I have been trying to get some together, and I came up with a theme. Now I have to proofread and edit them before our next meeting, but I can't seem to find the time. I don't want to blow this chance, but I feel myself blowing it, and I am so angry at myself that I can't stand it...and I'm angry at my mom for pushing this now when I am going through so much with the repercussions from the accident and Adam and work and I am just going in too many directions to focus on one thing for long.

So my love is failing me, my lust is fueling me, and my dream is fading before my eyes.

What else is new?