just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
January 25, 2005 � 10:32 p.m.

This weekend I learned something quite profound�

Storms put women in the mood for some loving.

It amazed me how many women I talked to were basically horny as hell during the big snow out this weekend. All of them were either wishing they had a man or that they were with their man while the heat miser went on holiday this weekend. It�s a shame, I sat and watching the snow, snug and serene in my house, finally at rest and the world being blanketed in its icy peace�and all I could concentrate on was hollow ache in my heart and the uncontrollable neediness raging between my thighs. I levitated between being extremely horny and totally lonely the entire weekend. I went from wishing I had Adam to hold me and tickle me with kisses, to hoping Swiz would call and come over and fuck me in all types of wrong ways. So yeah, had quite a �thoughtful� weekend, and as it seems, I was not alone in this quandary. All my girls were going through the same urgency for a man�all of us just wanted to be snowed in with a big strapping man. Food wasn�t important�comfort wasn�t a thought�all we wanted�all we needed�was a fucking man�and that would have made everything all right.

That�s why people who have been life long platonic friends end up hooking up like jack rabbits the moment they are alone in an enclosed area, surrounded by some type of storm outside. See�there�s the ticket fellas�she won�t give you no play? Next time you hear a snowstorm or thunderstorm or electrical storm (mmmm�hot!!) is coming to your area, make it your mission to find yourself stranded with her. She WILL give up the ass. Even if she�ll regret it�she�ll give it up. I PROMISE.

And now that I have gotten my panties and journeyed to Bath and Body Works to get my lotion potions, I am feeling calmer in my skin. Am I totally lulled? Not yet�but it�s not as randy now. Now I just have the need to get my nails done this week and get my hair done sometime soon and all will be well in my little world. Though, this task may be daunting as far as money is concerned. I have to pay Mandy $55 from this check, then I owe her $190 for letting me use her card to get my Kodak printer (I am so fucking impatient�I just couldn�t wait) and now add another $200 on top of that because she is fronting us the money to get a couch set that her other friend is selling. So that�s like $400 bucks that I HAVE to pay back, I still owe like $700 on my bed (which I am determined to have paid off by fucking March�yeah�call me Kreskin), and a $145 credit card bill I have to pay off all on top of the $1060 a month I blow on bills and rent. Money, money, money�and I have to spend it all on things I really don�t want to spend it on. I mean�my bills�well�bitch got to live�but I hate that I owe Mandy so much fucking money and I hate the fact that I have to buy a new damn bed because mine is a piece of shit and that my credit card only has a fucking $200 limit that I maxed it to during the fucking holidays. And my tax return? Prepare to laugh. Like $332�BEFORE they take out their fee. After the fee? Like maybe $260. What the fuck is that? $150 towards my card to pay that off, and the rest towards what? My hair? My bed? Mandy? So many choices and not enough chances. What am I supposed to do? I wanted to start saving my money again because I have like no savings at all and this fucking job of mine is unstable as hell these days. When the hell will I be able to put that plan into action? The fucking 12th of never sounds about right. I know�but I have money for panties and lotion, right? Well fuck you. I never do anything for myself and this past holiday I realized that I need to just fucking spoil myself to keep sane�because if I don�t�the loneliness and depression creeps back in. I�m like a shark�I have to constantly keep moving or I will die. And that�s no shit. Because nothing in my life is as I write it here, there or anywhere�it�s not as blah as I tell this person and that person�I�m not as stable as I pretend to be for this person and that person�

The truth is I am scared to stop moving�because it will all come crashing in then�because it will all catch up with me then�because then�in one way or another, part of me will die�and I can�t bear to lose any more of myself.

So yeah�I have spoiled myself and I am in a financial death drop and though if I planned better I could fix it instead of bitching and moaning while buying shit I don�t need, but want�and every second I am moving, moving, moving motionless�stuck between nothing and everything�here and there�this and that.

So fuck you. Do I say this for pity or attention? No. I don�t need anyone�s acceptance, and though that�s a lie, those are the words I stand by. I don�t write or talk because I want someone to feel sorry for me�I do it because I want someone to feel�period. So someone can secretly be relieved by knowing they are not alone and the lie is the truth and that they do have to keep moving�because if all of us stopped moving�the world just might stop. And then where would we be?

This entry sure did end up a thousand miles away from where it started�but maybe that proves my point exactly.

Keep it moving.