so i say....
January 17, 2005 � 10:37 p.m.

This year has started off pretty good. Nothing major happening, but nothing bad either. I have had to flip out on my mom a few times about my childhood and the sperm donor, but I told her unless she really wants this to get nasty, we need to drop it. And for once, she dropped it. So hurray for small miracles, eh?

I know I haven�t been much for writing lately, but the truth is, even the word create stumps the hell out of me lately. I guess because writing here is more of the real me, and I can�t find the words to describe what�s going on with me and it frustrates the hell out of me. I always feel like I�m whining and bitching here, and now that I�m not whiney or bitchy, I can�t find a way to express myself. Maybe this is just for now, though. Adam will be home soon and I know I will write here more about us than I will at LJ, because like I said, this one is more of me�and where else would I scrawl out the details of a love lost found again? So I will be here, in all my sickeningly glory, once my baby his home and in my arms and we truly find out if we are what we think we are to each other�meant to be.

In other round up news, Jenny texted me a few times. Why the hell she did that, I have no clue. This girl has basically cut me the fuck out of her life for no reason, and them contacts me out of the blue like I�M the one being a bitch and cutting HER out of MY life!! I mean, come the fuck on, now! Where does she get the balls? I tried so many times and in so many different ways to reach out to her and keep myself from completely letting go of her, but I kept getting rebuffed, and someone can only say fuck you but so many times before you catch the hint and leave them the hell alone. She wanted me gone because I didn�t fit into her nice new life with her clingy new girlfriend, so be it. And now she�s stuck with her�only her from what it seems�and now she�s trying to reach out and pull other people in�even Jack�whom she said was nothing but drama on more than one occasion. And the worst part? As much as I loved her, and yes, I loved her madly�more than I have ever loved anyone male or female, lover or friend�if I were to see her now, I wouldn�t have a fucking thing to say to her. Even if she were to beg, I would never be her friend again. And not because I�m being mean or anything, but because I know me, and I know I will never get over any of this and part of me will always resent her and never trust her. I mean, I got nothing from her over the holidays. Nothing. Not a card, an e-card, a text, a call nothing. And I at least reached out to her on her birthday. Then after I did that�nothing. So nothing. We are nothing. I don�t want us to be anything to each other ever again�except forgotten.

That�s just how bad she hurt me.

That�s how unforgivable it all is�no matter how much I might wish it were otherwise.

I haven�t written anything in awhile. I started a page on LJ under the Word Weaver, that will be for my poems or ideas for stories or ideas for stories. I want to try to get back into writing, though I think part of me is resigning to the fact that I m not a writer�am not meant to be a writer�and I need to just give up the ghost before I go insane. I know�it�s sad to let your dreams go, it really is�but I�m not who I think I am. I�m not who I want to be. I�m a mediocre writer at best, and though I will continue to write for myself until my fingers bleed, I am giving up the hope of being the next Plath or Dickenson or Palahniuk. It�s just not meant to be. But I�ll be all right. Maybe I�ll pick up the �Super Mom� dream again.

With love in the air again, anything is possible�.eh?