she says she's broken
May 12, 2005 � 12:59 a.m.

Just to get this out of the way�

Is anyone else totally fucking bummed that Dave Chappelle has checked into a mental facility? I am so crushed. Damn the man!
Also...do not listen to Parachutes by Cold Play if you are:
A) Trying to stay mad at your lover
B) Feeling depressed or repressed
C) Driving at night and feeling a bit sleepy
D) Lonely and having nostalgic thoughts of your ex
E) Wondering why you and your ex best friend aren't friends anymore
F) All of the above

I give you a hint...the correct answer is the first letter in the phrase FUCK ALL!

Besides that�.mad drama.

First, Adam and I have been going round and round lately. Not really arguing�just bickering. And not over anything, really. Just bickering. Not with animosity or anything�or anger�just like we�re talking AT each other and not TO each other. I�m saying this and he�s hearing that and he�s saying one thing and I�m thinking the other�but throughout it all�

Love.

So high, so big, so deep, so consuming that it�s ridiculous. And I don�t get it. You know? I don�t understand why everything has to be so complicated right now�or at least�I don�t know why I am making everything so complicated right now. It could all be so damn easy, but I insist on making things hard. Persist on starting arguments. Continue to make accusations. Stay creating altercations. Trying to push him away. Go, go, go�I scream, covering my ears and kicking at him. But no, no, no�he whispers, dodging my blows and trying to hold me still.
He won�t let me leave. He won�t let me fuck it up. He won�t prove me right.
He won�t stop loving me.
And instead of creating all this hurly burly all of the time, I am now trying to find a way to quiet my storm and find shelter in his arms�before the rain washes us away forever.

And then my mom.

When the fuck will it ever be anything but a fucking struggle or hustle with that woman? Everything has to be what she wants when she wants it and I am so damn tired of fucking tip-toeing through life because of her. Almost every bad thing I feel about myself is because of her, and its like she is oblivious of her damage to me. She acts like she was the greatest mom that tried her best and I�m just an evil spoiled brat that insists on being a bitch. It amazes me how she has totally rewritten our history to make it seem like she did all these wonderful things that I don�t appreciate. Are you kidding me? She didn�t raise me�she sheltered me. My grand mom raised me, so I don�t even want to hear it. All my life I have been blamed, ridiculed, ignored, or degraded BY HER. All my fucking life. And now�when I�m 29 and she�s sick and, God forgive me for saying this, two steps from death seemingly, now all of the sudden, she loves me? I get a poem published and now she�s saying she�s always supported me? I�M pulling MY life that SHE tried to fucking destroy together, and SHE�S pissed because I have animosity towards her sometimes? Are you shitting me? What the fuck?

I can�t�I cant even go on with it. I want to smoke so bad right now I�d suck Bush�s dick for a drag. JUST.A.DRAG.

I am trying to pool some money together because, SURPRISE, mother dear never came through with the food she promised us. There are so many things I need right now. Food, soap, clothes detergent, shit�clean clothes, cat food and litter�and on and on and on. I�m fucking struggling right now, man. I am barely holding it all together and I�m not sure if its because of the accident or quitting smoking and soda(sorta) or not getting any ass since December or what. I don�t know. I�m just fucked up. And I�m tired of complaining to Lola about it. So you guys are the lucky readers�that is�if anyone still reads this shit since I haven�t been able to get on my fucking computer really to do anything! So sorry for not answering ya�ll notes or commenting on entries lately. My time online is quite limited and some folks write so much that it�s hard to keep up. But I am�just know�I am still here.

And some sides of drama�

Two people who told me to order them my book have backed out on me. The fucking check for the deposit order just cleared. That means, I am going to end up forking out almost $120 for a book I didn�t really want anyone to buy in the first fucking place. Great. And Jen has been emailing me and I don�t know what to say�BECAUSE I DON�T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS!!!!!!! Why? Why is that? After how she fucking did me, I don�t even have the balls to tell her to fuck off because part of me missed her and I�m starting to think an even smaller part of me doesn�t want to see her go. I don�t know yet. I fucking suck. And I have been missing Swiz. Fuck if I know why. The other day I was looking at the De La Soul video and I actually started to cry because it made me think of him and the last time he was here and suddenly, he was all I could think about and I have been missing him ever since. I try to trick myself into not calling him. I have tried to forget his address and email name. I am trying not to think of him and sex and our friendship and how it�s all just�gone�like�we never existed to each other. And fuck it hurts. Even more so because I love Adam so differently than how I loved Swiz, but I feel like I am being unfaithful because I can�t stop thinking about him all of the sudden. I keep hoping to run into him somewhere�or that he�ll call�or someone will tell me something about him. And that�s just wrong, so wrong�because if he were to contact me or come see me�everything that I am trying so damn hard to hold together would just come utterly undone.

So here I go crying again�

Still wishing to change things I know I can�t and even if I could I shouldn�t. Sometimes it is so damn depressing being me that I feel sorry for people that fucking know me. No one should have to be around someone like this. Everything I touch I break.

Maybe if I could stop touching myself I would be so broken.