White Noise
June 05, 2006 � 1:19 a.m.

Right now I feel impotent.

There are so many things going on around me that I have no control over and there�s nothing I can do to help them or fix them, and it�s all left me feeling completely useless. I have a goddaughter, whom on her 11th birthday was basically kidnapped and molested by two men, one 17 and one 21. Her mother, who was supposed to be watching over her at the time, knew just where too find her and never did anything about pressing charges or anything. The father, who got suspicious after not hearing from her all day, called the mother asking for his girl, at which time the mother was prompted to tell him she wasn�t there, but an hour later miraculously knew where she was and brought her home.
She just turned 11. Just started having her period a week before, and is now bleeding again, which makes twice in one month. If we find out she is pregnant�I�I don�t know what will happen. She is only 11 years old.

My godson came to stay with me for a few days, and he told me that he now knows how his father really died. He�s very mature for his age, but still, he�s only 12. He didn�t need to know that his father committed suicide because he was mentally ill. Not now. It could have waited a few years. He told me that and tears sprang into my eyes, because after so long, I finally took time to remember and think about his father. He had been such a good friend of mine and his death was a surprise to all of us, as we thought he was doing better. And then I looked at this young man, whom I had changed and bathed and hugged and kissed through babyhood, and I felt my heartbreak as I thought of all the grief he has had to deal with in his short life and I�m not able to fix anything for him. I barely see him anymore. He�s growing up and leaving me behind with a bunch of baby pictures and memories of when he used to curl into my chest, suck his thumb, and call me mommy. Just thinking about him makes me cry.

My stepfather is sick again and might need to go to the hospital�again�which he absolutely abhors. My little sister calls me up crying because her mom keeps taking her money and is refusing to pay for anything for her senior year next year. My mother is way short on the money she needs to fly to Japan to meet the contacts she needs to get her business off the ground. My brother, who lives here, barely comes home anymore and when he is here, we don�t speak to each other. I have no idea what that�s about.

And now my would be boyfriend is bonding with his daughter for the first time in 6 years, which is demanding he speak and chat up his ex, her mother, at all times of the night. He�s not calling her, she�s calling him. And they stay on the phone for hours talking about their past relationship, not the baby. I am trying to keep my emotions under wraps, but the whole thing is pissing me off. He�s barely been home the past month, and when he is here, he�s talking to her. We don�t go anywhere or do anything. We�ve only slept together twice in three weeks. The rest of the time, I sleep alone. He was here some of this weekend with the baby, but not much. And I saw her and felt sick, because she isn�t ours. Ours is gone. Ours will never be. I looked into her eyes, like his, and watched her stumble around the house, like he does, and my stomach would flip each time. I couldn�t take the site of her. I�m glad he�s bonding and he�s happy, and she�s a bubbly little ball of fun, but I saw him holding her and was filled with such a blind rage I had to leave the house. It�s not right to be jealous of a little girl, and it�s not her that I�m jealous of really�it�s their bond. It�s knowing that there is yet another person more important than me in his life, pushing me further and further down the totem pole. It�s not having a father of my own that loves me like he loves her. It�s knowing that our child didn�t survive. It�s realizing that her mother is now going to be a fixture in his life too, and so far, she�s taking far too much time and energy away from us for me not to be suspicious and hate her already. So what do I do? Do I leave him now, or wait to see if things get better? I�m tired of not being a priority in his life, but I don�t want to take it out on an innocent child. I don�t want him to have to choose, because for one, it isn�t right, and two, I�d lose in a big way. I look at him and the words dance on my tongue, but I can never get them out. I lie in bed alone at night and rehearse the conversation, but when he comes home, it�s not as important anymore. He comes to me and smiles and kisses me, tells me how he loves me and when he sees it getting to me, he reassures me all is well and I�m the only one and not to be so sad all of the time. How can I not be sad? Everyday I feel him detaching himself from me more and more. I don�t know if that�s real or I�m just miserable because everything else is so miserable and I�m making it be about us. That�s the worse part. I don�t know what�s real or validated anymore. Everything is so over the top�blown out of proportion. I�m just trying to keep it together and wade through the distortion and see a clear picture again.

I am sick of wandering in the white noise.