all i never wanted
May 03, 2005 � 10:59 p.m.

I never wanted this, you know?

I never wanted her to leave me or him to hurt me, but she did and he does and now I�m here stuck between decisions.

By she, I mean her�you remember her don�t you? My best friend in the whole wide world that dumped me when she got herself a little girlfriend. The one that stopped calling me and emailing me and basically being in my life. The one that broke my heart.

Remember her now?

Well, she has resurfaced. Her relationship has hit the skids and suddenly I am remembered again. Now I am missed. Now I am emailed. Now I visited.

Now I exist.

I saw her, you know? I just had to see her�just to�I don�t know�gloat maybe. Because I told her this wouldn�t last and she wasn�t thinking and it was going to fast and that I didn�t like the girl. And I was left behind for it. And it turns out I was right. So yeah�I wanted to fucking gloat and be like �yeah, in your face!� and be all happy and living well and basically saying �fuck you� without really being vulgar about it. That�s all I wanted to do. Make her regret it.

But she came, and I saw her. She was a pretty blur in my vision�her hair was a bit darker and longer, she still dressed like a tom boy with her scuffed work boots on, her voice was still the same hesitant cackle, and her laugh was still contagious. Even with all this, I was resolved to shove it in her face�I really was. Then I saw the necklace. She was wearing the necklace I had gotten her. The Chinese symbol for tiger. I saw it and my breath caught in my throat because suddenly, she was everywhere. I remembered that crazy day when I got her the necklace�and she brought me a dagger and a necklace with the symbol for dragon. I remembered how when we got home, Ben was there with that damn tattoo of the devil girl that looked like me. I remembered how I got drunk and cried so hard I couldn�t breathe and she came and held me saying, �You got me, T-bird�you�ll always have me�� and I really did think that she would love me forever.

And then I really looked at her. The nostalgia wore off and I really saw her. This was the bitch that left me when I needed her�.choosing some bitch she barely knew over her supposed soul mate�never answering emails or texts or returning calls�this was the one that hurt me more than anyone ever had.

This was the one that had destroyed us.

And here she stood with a scared smile and small voice and as much as I wanted to spit in her face, I was more overwhelmed by how much I really just wanted to fall into her arms and cry. I still love her way more than can be validated, but I will never call her a friend again.

I never wanted her to leave me�but she did�and she ruined us�forever.

And then there�s him. You know him, right? My first love, my lost love, my found love, my forever love. The guy that fell out of the sky and right into my lap with those big, puppy dog eyes and infectious smile that just warms my heart. The one that first broke my heart. The one I never really got over.

You know who I mean, right?

Well, right now we are having a rough go of it. There is a question of there possibly being another woman in the picture�or me just being paranoid and insane. I�m not really sure which one it is. Part of me knows I am just letting my insecurities get the better of me. Do I really think he�s fucking with his ex? No. Now�do I really think that it could be possible? Yes. Hell yeah. Anything is possible. Look at Ben. Look at Stalker. Both were fucking their exes right under my nose after claiming how much they hated them and never wanted to see them again. And I knew it. Whenever they would talk about how much they hated the bitches, I knew they still loved them. I chose to act like I didn�t. I chose to let them fuck me over. Basically, in retrospect�just to prove a fucking point.

But when he tells me he hates her and doesn�t want shit to do with her, I believe him. Maybe it�s because I know the whole story. Maybe because I know he left her because he didn�t want to be bothered anymore. Maybe because I know he loves me and wouldn�t do anything that stupid to hurt me or jeopardize us.

Or maybe it�s just wishful thinking.

All day we have been going back and forth and round and round over this bitch leaving a message on his phone. Mind you, this is the second time some bitch was ramming on his cell about some bullshit. The second time. But he has one bit of logic I can�t dismiss: knowing that I have the phone and can scan all the calls coming and going (so he thinks) and have the code to check the voicemail, why in the world would he even think about giving some bitch the number to call? They could just call him at the place. That would be stupid to have bitches calling the phone that he shares with his girlfriend. Right?

Right.

But him saying that now has me wondering if that�s exactly what he�s doing and then the bitches are being smart calling his phone anyway. How did they get the number? From their caller ID when he called them to let them know to call him back on the payphone. Or from one of his stupid ass friends that didn�t know not to give out the number. Or simply because he already has this fucking excuse in mind and just thought �fuck it� and gave it to them anyway. The boy ain�t stupid�and he knows I�m not stupid�so maybe he thought a stupid excused would be�well�excused. Or he could just be telling the truth. And I am using this to cause trouble and give myself an out. Because I don�t want to be left this time. I don�t want someone else making me miserable more than I do. I don�t want to be the one making the mistake.

I don�t want to be the fool believing in love�again.

So this keeps going round and round for no real reason, because I believe what he�s telling me but am still compelled to argue about it and make us miserable. Truth is, I think he�s either an asshole for loving me or a liar that doesn�t really love me at all. And neither of those scenarios say much for our relationship. All I know is that I love him with everything I am�but I�m too afraid to just let myself do it�so I am in constant flux between pleasure and pain. When I think of him gone from me, I feel intense anguish�and exhilarating relief.

And I think that�s why I know he is the one. I am facing my demons for him.

Or at least�I am trying.

I never wanted him to hurt me�but without meaning to do it, he does�and it just might ruin us forever�

unless I find the strength somewhere not to let it.