my jack
May 19, 2005 � 11:48 p.m.

Today Jack and I said goodbye.
Jack and I said goodbye today.
It really is quite unbelievable.
Through everything, he was always here. Always around. Even when I thought I didn�t want him there, he was there.
And now he�s not. Now he�s gone. His desk his bare and his chair is empty. His screensaver is a photo of the cast of Will and Grace and I know exactly why he chose it. Every time I looked at his chair, I seriously want to cry. The rest of the day I kept looking around like I had lost my keys or something, because I felt like something was missing�.something was out of place�and as I walked out of the door and looked back at his empty space, I felt my hear constrict and I knew what was wrong.
Jack is gone.
No more gay jokes, no more black jokes, no more goat jokes. Golden Girls won�t be the same. It�s bad enough that every time I hear that song it tugs at my heart, but now I have a feeling it will be pretty much unbearable. I brought him balloons and three Care Bears and two cards�one with a letter and some pictures. I walked him out to the elevator like a dutiful ex-hag. I hugged him tight one last time, and I didn�t start crying until he wouldn�t pull away and said he loved me. He got on the elevator and I saw him gasp and sob and the doors closed as I cried out and reached for him one last time. I hate goodbyes. They never, ever get any easier.
Sounds hypocritical, right? For someone who used to bitch about how fucked up he is, it�s funny that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, devastated at the fact that when I go to work tomorrow, he won�t be sitting there to do something to irritate me or make me laugh.
No more Jack.
It doesn�t matter how angry I might have been with him, or how much I was ignoring him or being irritated by him, under it all, I still loved him. The anger had started to erode a while ago. I had decided it took too much energy to be mad at him and it just caused too much tension at work, and in the end, it wasn�t worth it. It hurts that we just started talking and really joking around not too long ago, because now I regret that it took us so long to just get along again. It�s so fucked up. I know its going to be hard to be there every day without him there, knowing he�ll never be there again. I mean, I�m happy that things are going so well for him and that he�s moving on, but it�s like he said�we�re a dysfunctional family�but we�re family. And he was my family. My annoying gay brother. My nemesis. My co-conspirator. My friend.

I really don�t know how to feel right now. I don�t get why it�s hurting this bad or why I�m crying as much. It�s like I�ve lost a part of me. I never thought it would hurt this bad. I wish we could take all the bad stuff back. I wish we were still as close as we used to be. I wish he didn�t have to go. I wish we were still friends. I wish I didn�t love him so much. I wish the adventures of Thelma and Squishypuss weren�t over.
I wish him the best in everything he endeavors. I wish him happiness and fortune.
I wish him love.
My Jack is gone.
Goodbye Jack.
I�ll love you always.