love x 0 = me
November 11, 2004 � 11:58 p.m.

On October 19th, I was the happiest I had been in in a very long time.

It was like I possessed by it. Like hope, love, and forever was a contagion on the wind that I breathed in and my blood was infused with it. Adam wrote me claiming himself to be mine and asking so sweetly if I felt the same. And I did. I do. I do until we die and die and die again.

I started seeing my life so differently, then. So clearly then. Swiz had lost his sheen and priorities I thought I had hopelessly lost were found again and the future...no longer seemed like such a scary place to go. I knew what I wanted...and for the first time...it wanted me.

And then...everything...as it always does...got turned upside down.

I begin to pull away from Swiz, and it's like he notices it...feels it...and his anger is insuppressible. And that only pushes me towards Adam more. That part of me that loved him finally woke up and I admitted that we would never be in the same place at the same time and that I was nothing to him and it was time to let go. And I did, I really did. And then a call out of nowhere on the wrong night in a trembled voice grabbed my hand and sucked me back in and then...suddenly...he was the man I always wanted him to be. And we held each other all night. And he still has his hold on me.

Meanwhile, Adam has disappeared again. Three letters later and no word...though 2 of those letters probably went to the wrong place...I still feel him slipping away. So why did he come back just to go away again? Why did Fate put him back in my path, take Swiz off my path, then put him back on again and take Adam back off? What the fuck is with all the confusion? What if Swiz starts acting right and I get a letter from Adam again confirming what he told me before? What if they both just go away and I'm left with nothing again? Am I meant to be alone? Am I meant to be with one of them? Or am I meant to just always wonder what if...what if...what if...?

I hate this...I really fucking hate this.

On October 19th I was the happiest I had been in a very long time...
then Fate entered...
and tonight I'm sadder than I ever thought I could be.

Somebody save me.

They hugged each other tentively, like two people made of glass.