In hell with you
May 24, 2006 � 1:20 a.m.

I am in domestic purgatory right now. Trapped between the delights and turmoils of being a stay at home type of woman. I figured that I�d be going back to school, but because I owed the school with the program I wanted to go to some money, I can�t go there. I then decided that since this will more than likely be the last time ever that I will be able to take a break and not die financially, I would take the summer off. But I am going fucking stir crazy. Adam takes the car all day and doesn�t come home until the early morning while I�m stuck in this funky house with nothing to do. I�ve tried art but its all crap. I�ve tried working on my book but its tedious and heartwrenching because I can�t come up with any new material. I cook, but I end up eating my meal alone since Darryl is always at Mandy�s now and Adam is never home in time to eat when I get done cooking. Lola has become scarce with her new job and friends, while I barely talk to Jenny sometimes now that she doesn�t have a girlfriend anymore and we are trying to re-establish our friendship. So basically, day in and day out, I am here alone with nothing to do�and bit by bit�it�s killing me. I am an emotional wreck nowadays. I guess I will go back to looking for work soon, since that seems to be the thing I can think of to fill my days�but I�m just not looking forward to working again yet. After 6 years of 6 day weeks and 110 hour checks, I�m kinda burnt out. I just want to take some time to decompress before I go back to the bullshit grind.

Adam.

Adam lives here with me now. We still never committed to each other as far as labeling our relationship, but basically, we are pretty much married. At least, that�s how we move. We�re like that couple that�s been together for years. The ones that finish each other�s thoughts and dress each other and cry and plot and dream together. We�re like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde for reasons that I can�t expose here. And I am happy with him. I am so in love. Yes, we have problems�mainly because I�m a nutcase and I sometimes hate the fact that he won�t title us, but we get through them. The newest challenge is going to be his daughter. He�s finally contacted his baby�s mama and she�s willing to let Adam have a place in his daughter�s life. But I, personally, don�t trust the bitch. I can already see trouble coming from this. The other night I flipped out and broke down and told him I wasn�t handling it well�him having a child with someone else�and I�m not even seen as a girlfriend to be introduced into her life. He consoled me and told me that everything will be alright�that the baby(who really isn�t a baby, but a 6 year old going on 30) won�t change us and that he loves only me and plans for us to be together for a long time. It�s funny, but I love her already. I�m making plans for her birthday and Christmas�thinking about places we can take her and things we can do, meanwhile, when he can finally get her for the weekends, he will be staying at his mom�s house because we can�t sleep together while she�s here (so as not to confuse her). He talks to me about children sometimes�even saying that if need be, we can do the in-vitro thing if it comes to that. And I love him for that. I love that he wants me to be the mother of his children and that he can�t go to sleep properly until I curl up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and whisper �I love you� into his back. He completes me. I�ve waited 11 years for this chance, a chance to see if we were really meant to be together, and now that it�s here, I know that we are. I know that he is the one. He always has been and always will be the one that holds my heart.

I just hope we last long enough for him to truly know that.