fuck all
March 08, 2006 � 4:08 p.m.

i have not much been in the mood for writing...for thinking...for living actually.

i have been sick since the end of december. yes...i am still sick.

my birthday was truly a day i could have lived without. i got no gifts. isn't that precious? i turned 30 man, and friends that should have called at least, merely texted me, and ones that usually text me, forgot me all togehter. i kept thinking it was all a set up...that there was a party waiting for me somewhere with all my friends...but no. no one came to visit me. no extra special anything. mandy made me some rocking brownies and her and lola took me to applebee's for dinner. i...didn't even get a cake. and...it has really changed the way i feel about alot of people and things. and sadly, no, it's not for the better.

on 3-3-06 i was called into work for a meeting on my day off and told that i was fired. 5 years. fired. no warning. just like that.

5 years.

now i am sitting here terrified of how to make the ends meet, and my mom is using this as an opportunity into scaring me back home. and it's like wow...i have had the most horrible month. i am still sick, now running from doc to doc like a mad woman before the end of the month and my benefits run out. it would help if i had some money to pay for these visits or whatnot...i am greatly tempted to turn to a life of crime. just until i can get on my feet and find another job...which will have to wait for me to get over this sickness and get some new work clothes. i have never...ever...felt so afraid, lost, or heartbroken.

speaking of hearts, adam basically lives here. comes home to me every night. i know eventually i will have to bring up the words...rent money. things have been strange between us...at least to me. he likes how we are. the old couple...no drama, no intrigue...no passion. he comes home and crawls over me and lies as far away as possible. it's like i sleep alone. we sit and we joke and chat during the day and we have fun....we do. i like being around him. i love him. but we hadn't had relations in a month. he doesn't even try to do anything. but to him, that's nothing. to me, it means something is wrong. but then, i think on it, and maybe it's just the guys that i'm used to. they cheated, and then they stopped being with me. i'm used to being pawed and manhandled, and i admit, it really upsets me when that doesn't happen. so i tried to chill about the sex thing. i kept asking him if he just wants us to be friends...he could still stay, still sleep in the bed, still everyting...but we only take the friends and lose the with perks part. he adamantly says no, he's happy the way we are, the sex will get back on track once he slows down...yadda yadda yadda. and i, being the dumbass i am, seriously believe it is because he runs the street so much. he doesn't come home til like 5 most nights. and he sleeps hard the time during the day in which he's here. i know he talks to other girls...but i still don't see him sleeping with them. so i don't know. we're just a big ole ball of confusion. but at least he comforts me, or at least tries to when i get all upset about the sickness or the job thing.

it's nice having someone around that cares.