time for a change
July 20, 2005 � 11:58 p.m.

As this year comes closer to closing at a frighteningly fast rate, I am forced to ruminate over the swift advance of...

THIRTY.

I am not really sure why this number scares the shit out of me the way it does, but it does. Fucking thirty. It�s like a foul word on the tongue, you know? I don�t really think it�s the age. I mean, so what, really. A year older. I don�t feel old�surely don�t act old (well�I�m still childish�I think I�ve been acting old since I hit 13)�so why does that number bug me so much? I�ll tell you why...

I have nothing to show for it.

Like dig it, no college degree, no house, fucked credit, no real relationship, no prospect of motherhood�nothing. Nothing. Thirty was supposed to have the kid, degree, and at least a townhouse tucked under its belt. Not nothing!! Not a bunch of false starts and broken promises and shattered dreams! I mean, the past few nights, I have been sitting up and staring at the walls, thinking about all the things I want to do. I keep trying to plan my future, but with my current relationship as precarious as it is, I don�t know how to go about it. I don�t know if I should include him or not, and even though that might seem like a small thing, it�s not. I mean, kids�house�classes�financial stability�I can�t come up with a plan of attack that both includes and excludes him. Can�t do a plan A and plan B kind of thing. It�s like all or nothing, and I hate that.

But I can�t blame my stagnate state on my sometimes baby�it�s me too�my fears, my disappointments�my shortcomings. There are things that I know I need to do, but the moves to do them scare me so fucking much that I can�t find a way to take action. Job stability is a big one. Am I better than this job�hell yes. Should I leave�damn right. Chances of landing a good job�grim. Grim as far as keeping it. As many companies are downsizing and merging and cutting back on staff�I am so afraid to leave this shitty job for a better one, only to be fired from the new one and then have to settle for a job shittier than this one!! Or worse�not getting hired anywhere at all. Then what�no job, no unemployment�rent, utilities and a fat car payment�what comes next? Living on the street? If I was in a good relationship, a steady relationship, I don�t think I would really worry THAT much about it�because if I stumble, they can catch me and vice versa�you know? But I worry, I do, about ending up assed out, probably more so than others because that thought seriously does cripple me and keeps me from making the bold moves I need to make to get to where I want to be.

I am so fucking sick of being afraid of the future.

I tired of being afraid�period.