confused confession
November 09, 2004 � 12:06 a.m.

Today's Weather: Ever so much confused

I was so proud of myself on Saturday for not calling Swiz. I was sad, lonely, pissed, and confused, but I didn't call him. In fact, The love I feel for Adam came rushing to me in huge waves.

Then Sunday night comes. And my phone rings, but I don't answer. But for the first time ever, he left me a message. A sad, low message asking me to call him back. So I call and tell him I'm sick and not in the mood, and he said he had something important to say and practically begged to come see me and talk to me. I decide to tell him to come, thinking he's going to tell me goodbye or something because he sounded so...weird. But when he came, he kneeled down in front of my bed and apologized for his behavior and asked if he could just lay with me for the night. I let him stay, and he held me in his arms breathing into my hair, "I don't know what it is about you...I don't know what you do...but confuse me." And we laid there for awhile before giving in to the urges...and sweet mother in Heaven...he was loving. Kissing and tender and holding me close, brushing my hair from my face and whispering my name, touching my skin so much it was like his life depended on it...and I was undone. Completely. For the first time, we made love.

And he held me afterwards for the night, never more than an inch between us as he always made sure I was holding him or lying on him in some way. But the ultimate came in the morning light. He turned to me and paused, and I feigned sleep as he laid there with his eyes closed, but when I moved to turn away from him, he reached out and snuggled me into his arms and kissed my head. And we clung to each other so tightly...and he sighed and breathed my name before falling back into dreams. He's NEVER held me while we slept. I always hold him or he curls up behind me, but he never holds me. And I was so totally content. So happy. And I felt most surely loved. I felt a change between us.

When he left this morning, he patted my leg as he got out of bed and said, "Alright, baby." as he readied to walk out my door. No goodbye. He never says goodbye. I guess that's why in my heart...I always know he'll be back...even if I don't want him to.

And all today I have been replaying last night. His touch, his smile, his kiss...his words. I keep thinking of his arms around me and I want to cry because it was all so sweet and tender and loving, and I had resigned myself to losing him and being free of it all and being open to Adam...and now...both of them are fighting for my thoughts, tearing me in two...and neither one of them even know it. How is it possible to love two totally people so completely and honestly? How can I harbor both of them in my heart at the same time? Is that wrong? Or is my conscious trying to tell me that one of them isn't the right one? I see forever with Adam...but I can't see forever without Swiz in my life. Maybe it's so easy to separate them because Adam isn't home yet. Because Swiz isn't gone yet. Because with both of them, each situation is so damn precarious that it is totally possible that I will end up with neither one of them, so my heart is trying to love them now while I can...while I have this moment...while they both seemingly really want me...no...need me to. But where does that leave me? What does that make me? A fickle, horny, selfish bitch that wants the fantasy I don't need while waiting for the dream that I want to come true? Is it really possible to love them both when they are both around me without one love corrupting the other?

Or am I, once again, just getting ahead of myself?

Swiz could be his old, callous self next time and Adam could surely just go away again, and all this agonizing will be for naught.

I don't know...I just don't know.

Why can't anything in my life ever be easy?

Careful what you wish for...because wishes manifest themselves in the strangest of ways...