Always a bridesmaid
April 23, 2008 � 1:32 a.m.

why do i do this? why do i do this?

why the fuck do i do this?

all day, i have been sitting at my desk at work sporadically bursting into tears in between calls. last night, i laid in the devil's arms and touched heaven, but when i woke up this morning, reality was back and i knew he was leaving. he always leaves, and i always grieve, and i never seem to learn from this mistake i am intent on always making.

but...but...i wish i could explain the way i feel when i am near him. the air hums around him and when he touches me, electric sparks shoot through my veins and i am out of control. he is so damn beautiful. i have never seen anything so beautiful. and never has something so beautiful been able to so completely constantly break my heart.

drinking doesn't help, but in a way it does. because i will go to sleep tonight and it will be deep and dreamless and his scent on my sheets and pillows won't be able to bother me. and it really isn't all about him. it's the ideas he brings with him. i sat watching him play my guitar and my place filled with music and promise and a hope for love and now he's everywhere around me...exactly where he doesn't want to be.

exactly where no one wants to be.
and that's what brings the tears and drinking.

before the solitude and bearable. i didn't like it but i could deal with it. but with everything else going on, having him here with me...was just so...nice. another face, another voice, another body in my bed. i had been so long since i'd slept next to someone and felt that deep relief that i wasn't alone. if i reached out in the darkness, there was actually something there to touch. someone, without even trying, that makes me feel beautiful when i'm near him. someone smart. someone musical. someone undeniable.

just like him.

am i really that horrible? unattractive? unlovable?

why can't someone ever...
choose me?