holiday blues
November 22, 2004 � 11:52 p.m.

My, my, my�I leave for a bit and try not to write and whine about my depression and look what happens�I get dropped off of people�s fave�s lists. Well hot damn. It�s cool though. I have become quite scarce and boring as of late, so I can�t quite blame them. And anyway, the people that I adore the most still have me on their lists�so that�s all I care about.

After all�it�s not a popularity contest�right?
Right?

Lately, I have been on one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. I go from elation to depression so quickly it scares me. Not that life is all that bad at the moment. It has actually leveled off a bit. I guess it�s the holidays. This is my favorite time of the year, but I�m not enjoying it at all. I�m bitter and lonely and it seems when something goes wrong it just gets blown up into this huge thing that shadows everything good. I blame it on getting older. I�m not as tough as I used to be, you know? It�s like the older I get, the softer I get, and things that used to roll off my back really get to me now. And I don�t know how to handle it. It�s like all those years of being closed off are catching up with a vengence, and my past is hell bent on haunting me.

The Adam/Swiz situation doesn�t help any. I don�t know what to do about either one of them. I mean, I think about Adam and having a second chance and my heart literally soars. But then, reality sets in, and something inside of me tell me not to get my hopes up and to just let it ride�which is fine. Which would be fine�if I didn�t want it so much. I so want to have someone in my life to come home to, to talk to, to lay with, to grow with�to love. I am tired of being alone and letting life pass me by. I am tired of being someone�s fuck buddy. Heaven help me�I sit and daydream of someone coming into my life and domesticating the hell out of me�apron and laundry and all. And I want Adam to come home and be that person. But then I think about Swiz. And how we were that last time. How he held onto me so tight and lovingly, and my heart breaks to think of that gone�even if it is for Adam�even if it is for love. Something binds me to him that expounds all of that. Call it animal magnetism or being whipped�but I still see it as love. At least, I see it as me loving him. I may never know how he feels about me�and that�s just another thing to fuck me up at night as I lay alone and try to conjure up happy thoughts of a future with Adam. And that is so horrible to me. So�self-destructive. I want to break free�and Lord knows I try, but every time I take two steps away, he takes one towards me, and my heart gets all tied up in him again. I don�t know. All this worrying just might be in vain. I wrote to Adam and basically gave him an ultimatum of how I want things to be when he gets home and told him if he doesn�t respond in a week, I�ll take it as him not wanting to be bothered. He has until next Wednesday to get a letter to me. After that, I have to wrap my hopes around me and walk away. I will not be someone�s fool for love ever again�not even his.

Then I think my funk is coming from not talking to Jenny anymore, too. It really hurts me how she�s just cast me aside and really don�t give a fuck about me, anymore. After all that talk of lifelong friendship and soul mates, a piece of ass comes along and just erases me like I was never there. Funny, everyone thought I was using her to stay close to Cowboy and to get over all of that�it looks like she was the one using me to keep her own loneliness at bay. And I want to hate her, but I can�t. And everyday that I don�t hear from her, the ache just grows and grows. I miss her. She was my best friend and I loved her madly and miss her dearly�even if she doesn�t feel the same about me anymore. If she ever did in the first place.

And adjusting to co-habitation with my brother is harder than I thought it would be�even though we�ve been living together more than a year now. It�s the money thing. He doesn�t grasp the importance of depositing his share of the money into the bank when he gets paid so I can pay the bills. And I thought now would be the time I wouldn�t be struggling with money, but with the new car and higher insurance, it�s like I�m in the same place, but worse, because now I�m losing even more with every check to cover those new bills. I�m just glad I didn�t get a fucking truck like I wanted. With the gas prices the way they are, I�d be dead in the water right about now. I work myself sick just to keep my going under. And work is just spiraling down more and more. They are inciting new rules next week, and with the holiday season and trying to get there on time and find a parking place at the mall, I�m sure I�ll be fired within a month. And I�m scared shitless. Because I don�t have a lick of saving to see us through until I find a new job.

So see, life as me is the same chaotic, depressing mess it�s always been, and writing here about it just reminds me more of how I am nowhere�s near where I thought I�d be at this stage in my life. But I�m still growing.

And I guess that�s about all I can hope for anymore�more time�more time to turn it all around and make it all right.

Happy holidays, my freaky darlings.
I wish you all love.