color me black
September 23, 2006 � 3:41 a.m.

Last call�
Last call�please clear the floor and it�s the last call for drinks�

So here it is�my last night in my bed in my own apartment. Tomorrow I�ll be moving out and away from here, from this life, and onto to my girl�s house where I will be a tenant trying to start a new life. I�m leaving here. It hurts when I say it�even more when I think it. I am leaving here. Here. Where I tried to make a life for myself. Here. Where I thought I had finally obtained the love of my life. Here. Where I had gained my independence and stabilized myself financially. Here. Where I was finally getting to know who I am and could be. Here. The only place I thought I was safe to be me. I am leaving here�and it�s the most painful move of my life.

I am back to square one. I will be leaning on someone else�s kindness for a while. Back to working at some crap job that will barely get me by. Back to driving a crappy car. Back to fucking worthless men to tide the loneliness. Back to hiding within myself. Back to being worthless. I feel horrible that I will be mooching off of Jen till I get back on my feet. I am grateful for her kindness, as she has stood by me through this ordeal, but I am sick to my stomach at the fact that I tried to make a life for myself by myself and I fell flat on my face. Right where my mom always said I would land.

And the worse part, the saddest part, is I don�t even have my dream of love anymore. He came back and ruined it all, ruined me, and the dream is shattered. For almost twelve years I have been holding onto the notion that once he came back, everything would be all right. That he was the one. That he was my happily ever after. Now I know he was just another man to come into my life and leave me dry when I need him most. Now I have to face the fact that the love I have been harboring and treasuring�.was just another delusion. And now�I have to let go of the only thing that cheered me when I was my lowest. I have to let go of hope. He is gone. Forever. He is gone. I doubt that I will see him again�at least not the way I used to see him�and my heart� I can�t keep my heart from constantly breaking every time I blink my eyes.

Don�t mind me. I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate to move. I hate fleeing like some refugee. My childhood is full of moves like this. I had promised myself I would never get myself into this kind of predicament. And I have let myself down. I am thirty years old and I have nothing but a past of failures to record as my life. I don�t believe in anything anymore. I have nothing left to believe in. I want to drink. I want to scream. I want to cry�but I don�t even have the energy for that. I just wanted to write this to say goodbye to here�goodbye to dreams�goodbye to this girl and this life�

in hopes that I will get to say hello to a better tomorrow.

Goodbye, girl.