what have I become?
February 04, 2005 � 12:22 a.m.

Take me away from all this death....

...death of friendships, death of loved ones, death of love, death of the soul.

My youngest brother Charlie was voted off the proverbial island. Darryl and the guys put their feet down and kicked him out of the studio business and out of his current residence. He hasn't been working or paying his way for awhile now, and when they called a meeting to talk to him, he never showed up.

They found him on the couch at home sleep 3 hours later.

How do you save someone so intent on drowning...without going under yourself?

My heart is so heavy today, I can't even cry anymore.

My mother is still in the hospital and I still haven't gone to see her. They say it wasn't a stroke, but a side effect of the mass in her brain. I called her and her speech was slurred...and the tears poured down my cheeks at my desk at work. I love her as much as I hate her...how can that be? How did we come to the point where I dread her death...but long for the release it would bring me?

Saying that...I am a horrible person. I deserve the nightmares and anxiety that plague me.

Some days...I look forward to death...because then I would know peace.

This...was certainly ones of those days.