can big really be beautiful?
March 15, 2005 � 11:41 p.m.

So, it's that time of the year again. It came early this year, actually. I usually don't hear anything about it until mid April or so. But today my cousin called me at work and jumped it off with "Thea, I know you are tired of looking that way...don't you want to live a long life?"

And thus, ladies and gents, "Thea is really Jabba the Hut" season is officially open.

Now, my cousin meant well. The conversation started out benign enough, until she said something about going to Miami with our mothers and some other family. My comic cop out so I don't have to be bothered and the conversation is over of "Fat folks don't fly" just totally left me wide open for the attack. She wanted me to walk around Cooper River with her, to which I declined. One, I don't walk unless necessary. Two, when the hell would I do it? And three, if I wanted to leave myself open to ridicule, I'd put on my Mrs. Piggy costume and let folks at it. I mean seriously...there's nothing wrong with getting exercise and whatnot...but if I'm not comfortable with people looking at me when I walk into a room, what the hell makes her think that I am going to slide my fat ass into some shorts and walk around that ghetto ass lake and not have a problem with it? I might as well just walk into an all-you-can-eat buffet wearing a fucking target on my chest and a kick me sign on my back. I just can't do it. I'm not kidding. My ego is that fucking fragile.

I mean, diggit, yeah...I am a big bitch. Not even ashamed to call myself huge. But I don't do the whole "let's get physical" thing unless we're talking about sex. And it's not because I am afraid to try. That's the fucked up part. I have tried. I don't know what's worse....being a fat fuck and accepting it, or being fat and trying to change it with no results. And I mean NONE. Diets, exercise, healthy living...whatever...I've done it. And I didn't lose an ounce. Well maybe a few ounces...but nothing to write home about. Me? I used to walk 2 miles every morning and then again at night wrapped in plastic, drinking mad water all day while also taking Ripped Fuel pills, didn't smoke or drink at ALL, ate nothing but salads (dude...I love salads) for 9 months and you want to know what happened? My skin cleared up and my legs looked as if I could kick through a brick wall, but I didn't lose any weight. Nothing. I was depressed for about a year after that. And I said fuck it. Doing all that with no results was a bigger mind fuck than anything else. My boy Relly was doing all that with me and he actually started looking sick he got so thin...and I...I stayed the same. And that hurt...Jeebus did that hurt. I felt like a huge failure. And then my destructive side was in full bloom. I'm not as destructive anymore, luckily.

I don't get it. It's not like I eat all day or eat really unhealthy shit all the time. It's not like I have high cholesterol or diabetes or anything that most fat people have. I don't have varicose veins or back problems or knee problems or anything. I'm just fat. And doctors can't give me a reason. They look at me like I defy science and just want to make me take a bunch of pills that "might" work at getting the weight off, but also could awaken any of the dangerous dormant traits in my DNA. Like cancer. Like diabetes. So I don't go to doctors anymore.

Am I proud of the way I look? No. Not at all. I hate my body. I especially hate my face. But I hate feeling like a failure more, so I try to accept the way I am...the way I have always been. And I'm not kidding...I have baby pictures of me just as fat as I want to be. I have never been the acceptable weight for my age. Shit...for any age. So what to do? I was looking at some gyms (an even worse place for a fat person to go to try to get in shape without being gawked at) and I saw some water aerobics and swimming classes. Now, I can swim my ass off, and I like to swim. Also, water aerobics is fantastic for the cardiovascular thing because it creates a resistance. I might do that. I have been kicking the idea around for awhile now, and since "Thea" season is open, I might actually do it if my cousin does it with me. I want to quit smoking and eat healthier, but I'll do all these things without the hope of losing weight...just the hope of getting healthier. And maybe get my skin clear again. It couldn't hurt. It still leaves me vulnerable to stares and snickers and whatnot, but hey, I'll be in the water with a bunch of other fatties and old folks so how much competition could there possibly be?

The only downside is when I do all the stuff I should do and nothing happens...OTHER people get disappointed. Relly was upset that I didn't lose weight. My cousin was upset before when nothing happened and accused me of not really trying. It's THEIR disappointment that I can't take.

One good thing? I have a man that just told me he loves me for me...inside out...soul to skin.
As long as I always remember that...everything should be alright.