always will
April 16, 2005 � 12:04 a.m.
So...
no drama lately...well...some drama...but I haven't really been beat to write about it. Plus, my computer was off at home so I didn't feel like fighting to get it back on until today because I came home early from work.
My life, as it is, revolves around Adam...and that's a good thing and a bad thing...but mainly it's a surprising thing. My life has NEVER revolved around anyone...more less a man...and this is taking a lot of getting used to. He is on my mind all day and in my dreams at night. Everything I do I try to think of his feelings and how he might react or what he might want me to do. We did have a fight (well...in my eyes we had a fight, he said it wasn't nothing) about me going to Club Karma Sutra with Lola. Granted...someone's girlfriend really shouldn't go to a place like that, but this is something we wanted to do before I got with Adam. He wasn't pleased, to say the least. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I wanted to go to a sex club just to go. So we went back and forth about it, and I was feeling some type of way, so...I started drinking again. I had to go out and get me a bottle of vodka just to turn the world off for awhile, you know? And he called me later that night, and I was nice and boozed up, so I was able to tell him that if he wanted to break up with me, he needed to do it while I was drunk so it wouldn't hurt so much.
He refused to break up with me. He just kept telling me he understands why I am unhappy, but he loves me and he plans on being with me as long as life will let him. He said I'm the only one he wants and the one he turns to...the one he admires...and he just needs me to try to be strong so he can be strong. And I really felt fucking stupid. Almost everyday I tell Lola either he will break up with me or I want to break it off with him, and then he calls and nothing ever happens. She tells me to stop being so negative, that we love each other and I have to believe in that and stop making shit worse in my head, and she's right. I really do need to stop before I DO lose him. But at the same time, I need to stop making everything in my life about him and stop telling him everything and just live my life. It's just hard. I have been single or in bad relationships so long, I don't know how to act like someones girlfriend.
It just amazes me, you know? How much he loves me. And he really does love me, even though I'm odder than chinese food at a picnic.
Why can't I just accept that? Why can't I just let him love me?