dreading the day that dreaming ends
September 16, 2003 � 5:50 p.m.
First Entry Today
Mood-oblivious
Aenema-Tool
"My heart is...and always will be...yours."-Sense And Sensibility
Recurring thought-I need a new template
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Taking up the slack in the other areas of our processing department and when I turn around at 4:59 PM, EVERYONE is gone!! Uh...they're due to be here till 5:30 and we ARE backed the fuck up...uh...hello....people...
DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS!!
YESTERDAY'S RANT IS HERE
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Today is quite an auspicious day.
I am running the gambit of emotions that I had determined to bury in my past. From second to second I change...morphing between the girl I was, the chick that I am, and the woman that I want to be...and basically, I am starting to act a bit wacko. It's almost like multiple personalities over here, man, and I'm not feeling it at all!!
What's really throwing me is the fact that I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I just...am. So why the Sybil Syndrome? Why is everything all jumbled inside of me today? I can't even hold a constant train of thought...I keep getting derailed and then losing where I was with whatever I was thinking about until I'm frustrated that I can't remember and just start to think about something else and then the process starts all over again.
All day I have been like this. All day. The only thing I have been able to focus on is work and that's only because I'm over here multi-tasking like a motherfucker and not getting the chance to get bored. I couldn't even pull it together enough to make an entry until now, and this will probably come out all loopy and confusing and aimless as hell...but hopefully it will help me clear out the fog and stay on the damn tracks.
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Maybe it's because it's my grandma�s birthday today. Last night I just laid there staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out why I was doing that, and when I turned to the clock, my birthday numbers were flashing at me and that's when I realized what was off. Grandma�s birthday. A day that I revere every year as holy. A day that I take the time to thank God for letting her come into being and then cursing God for taking her away from me. A day that makes me analyze my life and what's going on with it and where I'm going with it and fret that she is looking down on me disappointed in death when she always looked upon me with pride in life. A day that makes me admit that life is precious and entirely too short and one day...one day momma will be gone...or Darryl or Charlie or Henry or Jenny...and what would I do then? What would I do if they were suddenly yanked out of my life when there are so many words left unsaid and so many deeds left undone? How will I live when Death comes knocking and thieving again?
Today is a day that I wake up loving those that I love more than I love them any other day of the year, because today is the day that I dwell on my OWN mortality and the ripple effects that I cause in this life just by waking up everyday. Today is a day that I am happy and sad...frustrated and motivated...stunted and free falling...scared and brave...confused and oriented...regretful and hopeful...disillusioned and still...a dreamer.
Today is the only day out of the year that I allow myself to be me and not apologizing for it...all due to the life and death of a most extraordinary woman.
I love you, Grandma. Happy birthday. I miss you always.
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I really am not sad. I'm sitting over here with my mind on random, rocking out to the new Perfect Circle CD, fidgety as all hell. I saw Sense and Sensibility twice last night. I love that movie. How like Eleanor I am. How reserved and cautious with love and letting it show and letting go and giving into it. How hard it is for me to believe that someone actually would love and choose me. Yes...quite like Eleanor, I am. Quite prim...quite sharp...quite strong...quite...invisible...in a visible sort of way.
*sigh*
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I really don't think I will be seeing Swiz again anytime soon...if I ever see him again at all. As much as that thought tries to make me sad, most of me is just happy that he took off now before he made things worse for both of us. At least now....at least now I still have nothing but happy and pretty memories of us...of our friendship...and that's the best thing I could ask for. Well...second best. Him waking up and realizing he can't live without me and rushing over to pull me into his arms, kiss me passionately, and tell me he loves me would be THE BEST I could ask for...but I'm not foolish to ask for things like that anymore.
And I thought being a grown up meant things were easier.
It just means you get better at hiding your confusion.
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I am starting to truly dislike Cowboy, and I don't think I want to be his friend. He is up to some nasty, back stabbing, under handed shit and I don't want to be a party to it. Even though he doesn't know that I know, I do...and contrary to what some might think, I would hate to see someone else go through what I went through because of him. The more I see of him...the less I like him. The guy I loved has left the stage and taken his leave of the play. He claims he's not "an actor anymore", but I don't know who the hell he thinks he's fooling...unless he's trying to convince himself.
He is still on that stage, playing a new character, the role of his life...the dream role of his career, and poor Sue is an unwilling participant. Funny thing about plays...the curtain has to come down sooner or later and then what? What do you do when the crowd is gone, the make up is off, and when you look into the mirror you see an old man that you don't even know how to be?
Who will ever love you when you don't even know who you are?
I wonder if he ever thinks about that, or if he really is oblivious to all the fucked up shit he does and lies he tells to those that love him most.
He still lives in the eye of The Chaos, damaging everything around him with his silent unrest and descension.
Thank God I found my way out of the storm.
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I really need to find a new template, but all the templates I like are all from the same designer (this one) and none of the pics work due to server problems. Ain't that a bitch? I've been trying to make my own, but it is more than obvious I have no fucking clue on how to do it and I just keep getting frustrated and wanting to punch my screen and break my keyboard in two. I don't think that would be a good idea since I'm at work, would you? So if anyone knows how to make templates and is willing to make me one...I have pics...please...help a sista out!! I miss my Satine pic, but I think I needed to move on from that motif anyway.
That was from when I was in my lovesick over Cowboy phase.
I need something to represent a "me" phase.
Something that represents confused, angry, happy, hopeful, dreamy, lyrical, sassy, crazy, sweet, bitchy, lil ole me.
Sorry Satine....
Today is the day that dreaming ends...
at least...dreaming for things that were never meant to be.
I just want to dream of all the things I want and deserve...
and then one day
I'll fly away...
fly far, far away...
and I will be free...
but for now...
one can always dream.