lyrical zoloft
December 10, 2003 � 9:00 p.m.

First Entry Today

I sat at home last night watching Shrek while trying to fall into dreams, when the idea of closing my diary started to roll around in my head. I mean, I love it here and I love all of the folks that I read and read me, but sometimes I feel like I�m exposing too much of myself. Wait, I mean I feel like I�m exposing my feelings but not really explaining the reasons or motivations behind them, so when someone jumps on me or sends me some kind of fucked up message, I feel like I�m being attacked and my first instinct is to attack back, but then I feel as though I have no reason to do so and I end up feeling like I�m being picked on.

Always the victim. Poor, poor little fat girl.

But I realized that the comments I get are fueled by what is written, and I don�t always delve deep enough or explain motives enough for everyone to understand what the hell I�m REALLY feeling or talking about. In short, I write here like I write in my journal at home�for the audience of me�and since I know all the facts and clues and secrets already, there�s really no point in me drudging it all up when I write about how it pisses me off.

It�s an out of sight out of mind thing, you know?

However, I have decided not to run and hide like I normally do. I accept that if I don�t state myself clearly or give all the facts about a situation, then the feedback I get will always be based on perceptions and half-truths. I can either suck it the fuck up or run like a little punk bitch. Well, I decided to suck it the fuck up.

And don�t get me wrong, I appreciate ALL of the comments and suggestions and criticisms I get from all of you that normally read me and follow what�s going on and actually have report with me. I love it when you give your opinions. It�s those folks that DON�T regularly read me or back read other entries to understand a situation and make a stupid ass comment that piss me the fuck off. Like the ones that tell me I�m going to hell for worshipping Satan (who is really just a friend that I�ve nick named Satan, you dumb asses) or that I need Jesus in my life or that I�m a whiney, spineless, cheating bitch�.blah, blah, blah, the fuck blah. Those people annoy me. Those people have actually made me rethink certain things I wanted to put in here because I didn�t want any flack.

Well fuck all ya�ll.

If I want to whine or bitch or cheat or worship Satan than that�s MY fucking business. That�s what diaries are for, you judgmental idiots. To whine or bitch or whatever.

Like I said, all of you that always leave the comments and email me and all, I love your advice. Don�t think I�m lashing out at you and then stop coming or talking to me. I�d hate that.

Because then I�d have to start stalking you.

Just kidding!! Ha ha!!

No�really�I would. So don�t do it.

Any who, I have accepted the fact that I am a fucking nutcase. After spilling my guts to Jenny and telling her I didn�t care and wanted to disappear and some other self depreciating bullshit (I really think I have some Jewish in my family�I do the self loathing guilt thing SO fucking well�and that�s no offense to my Jewish brethren�Shalom to you) you know what made me feel better?

My anthem, Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park, thumping from the radio when I was crying on my way into work (God bless WMMR!! They always play it when I need it!!), watching the Return Of The King trailer on Yahoo, Satan calling me (yet again. He�s been babysitting me for the past two weeks since I first told him I was depressed. I so love you, Satan. Love, love, love!!) and making me laugh so hard I damn near peed my pants, and thinking about Jenny smiling on the black sand beaches of Mexico have perked me up a bit. That, and watching Introducing Dorothy Dandridge last night on TV. Nobody has it easy. Everybody has demons that play peek-a-boo in their lives. Yeah, I have my highs and lows, and I just have to learn to deal with them. And you, just have to learn to bear with me and suck it up and stay with me.

Because if not, I would have to hunt you down.

Just kidding!! Ha ha!!

No really�I�d do it. You know I�m crazy enough to do it.

I love you guys. You�re like lyrical Zoloft.

Honestly, life would be boring without me in it, wouldn�t it?!?!