wooking pa nub in all da wong paces
May 11, 2004 � 3:31 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sarcastic and moody with loads of nepotism

This weekend was�odd.

Saturday was fun after all.

After having a major panic attack about all of the guys showing up at once, Kye couldn�t make it, Ric called on his way to New York to see his mom for mother�s day and he couldn�t make it, and Swiz just never called or came. Before Jenny came and got me, I had a strange calm come over me that no one would show, so once I was there, there was nothing but fun to be had.

It was a dead night, but my crew had fun. I was heralded as a hero when I was able to wrap my mouth around a regular glass that was placed in Jenny crotch for a Blow Job shot. I was pretty damn impressed myself. The Guys would have loved it�if one of them had came. Jeannie was a hit with the crew, and after the initial confusion over how to label the relationship, everyone was cool with her and just bugged the hell out for Fred�s birthday/ Leenie�s last pre-op bar hop. I got sad half way through it, looking at Leenie and worrying about her surgery�.wondering what would happen�dreading what could happen�and she just looked at me and kissed me and said, �Tee�don�t worry�it�ll be fine. Now have fun.�

Fun=Getting drunk.

On the ride home, I started thinking about Leenie and what I had been thinking about with Jenny, and then I just started spilling my guts. I told Jenny how I�d probably be dead if I hadn�t known her, how she was my love�my heart, and if I were to have a child and something were to happen to me, I would want her to take care of the baby�not my family. She sat there looking at me incredulously, looking like she wanted to cry as she shook her head and told me she loved me. I think both of us were oblivious to Jeannie by then as I just sat there looking at her and crying and telling her how special she really is but she just needs to see that and believe in that so she can be happy.

Yeah�good conversation to have in front of the perspective girlfriend who doesn�t really know me or the complexities of our relationship. I don�t think I have ever been around that girl on a �normal� day. I shudder to think what she must think of me.

I stumbled in the house and got undressed and ventured to call Swiz to see if he was pissed at me or not. Second ring he answered. I asked what he was up to and he said he was just dozing off and asked me what I was up to. I said �Waiting for you,� and I could hear his smile as he said ok. I asked him if he felt like coming to see me and he said he�d be right over and I said the door was unlocked and we laughed and hung up. I woke up to him pulling the covers off of me, whispering my name, and sliding his hand between my thighs. It was fucking awesome.

I gave him a massage when we were done and he fell asleep at the other end of the bed while I crawled up to my spot and fell asleep. Sometime later, he moved up there next to me and snuggled up by my side. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone.

So yeah�we�re fine. Everything�s normal�if you can call it that.

Sunday we went to see the Queen for mother�s day. It was a good day.

Today I was actually on time for work.

That is�until I bumped somebody�s car in the parking lot�then all hell broke loose. I was panicked because I was about to just leave after I saw no damage was done, but some crack head saw me and made a big deal of it, so I had to sit around and wonder who�s car it was and look for the owner. Eventually, the land lady (who loves me to death) came out and shooed me off to work, saying the other car was a piece of shit and I was too nice to even bother looking for the owner. She promised to tell me if there were any problems, but I never heard anything all day, so I guess it�s all good.

I called Jenny at work after talking to Jack about her relationship, and I had to play devil�s advocate to make sure Jenny wasn�t being scammed into a relationship she doesn�t want. She says she�s cool, and she�s taking it slow, and she still doesn�t consider Jeannie her girlfriend. I felt like a bitch doing it, but Jenny�s reservations were playing on my mind. She tends to attract nutsos, and I was just making sure she had her eyes open with all that�s going on. She assured me she does, and I just let it go at that, promising to never bring it up again. Then she dropped the bomb.

Cowboy�s planning on marrying Grandma in July.

But get this�they�re not moving in together. They�re just going to get married and he�ll stay at Jenny�s and she�ll stay in her place for a year until they can save up for a house.

What a fucking joke. I mean�how stupid is that? Why not just wait to get married?

IT�S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS!!

I felt weird but indicated at the same time. I told everyone this would happen. I said he would marry her quick. Ha�sometimes being right�doesn�t always make you feel right.

And I lied to Jenny,

I told her I was happy with how things are with Swiz and that I don�t want a relationship with anyone anymore. I believed it as I said it, but as soon as the words died on the air, I knew it was a lie. I do want a relationship. I want someone to call me and ask how my day was. I want to be able to call someone when my car breaks down so I can bitch about it. I want someone to cuddle up next to when it�s cold and to lay next to me complaining and sweating to death when it�s hot at night. I want to cook for someone, take care of someone�I want someone to look at me like a child looks at a Christmas tree�with that expectant awe�with that same wonder�with that same pure joyous rapture.

I want someone to love me, fight for me, need me, and want me, too.

But I�m afraid to look for it, afraid to ask for it�because deep down I know Cowboy fucked me up more than I admit to others and now I am completely terrified to let anyone in. No, I didn�t love him, but maybe it was because of that I was able to be myself with him�and that�s who he rejected. He rejected the real me.

It�s not as easy to wave it off when you don�t have any barriers in the way. It�s hard to make excuses or ponder explanations for it when you leave yourself totally naked and helpless to attack.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me fucking a commitment phobic that won�t love me while pouring my love all over my poor, unsuspecting girlfriend�because it�s safer that way�everyone gets what they need�no one gets hurt that way�especially not me.

But nobody ever gets what they want out of that.

Especially not me.

If life were any easier�I�d be dead.

I�m trying, though�I am trying�

and that is the best I can fucking do.