One of my favorite seasonal songs is Winter Wonderland. I just adore that song. Every time I hear it, I can’t help but act out the words like I had to do for my 4th grade recital. That song means happiness.

A beautiful sight…we’re happy tonight…

I have been humming the damn thing for days now, ever so angry because I haven’t heard it on the radio yet. It’s not a Christmas song to me, but it does bring me happy thoughts of Christmases past…and snow. When I was a child I adored the snow. I would stay outside until my fingers were blue and my nose was near frozen, playing vicariously in the soft clouds of ice. I still love the snow. Nothing compares to a world freshly blanketed with snow. Before anything disturbs it…the way it frosts the world and makes everything quiet and lovely and peaceful…and dreamy. Snowflakes are dreams rushing down to kiss our upturned cheeks.

Later on, we’ll conspire…as we dream by the fire…

I haven’t spoken to the Queen since Sunday. She ambushed me once again by giving the Sperm Donor my phone number. Needless to say, I was surprised. Even more useless to mention, I was hurt. And of course…I spent the whole night sobbing my heart out…wishing for the father long lost to me and for a mother that understands me…wondering why in my whole life, it was never ok for me to just be a normal kid. Everything has always been extraordinary or dramatic or traumatic…it was never just…fun. We were never just…a family. We could never just…love. Everything has a catch. And each catch has a consequence. And we are all constantly paying dues. So I sing this and smile instead of crying.

To face unafraid…the plans that we’ve made…

I hum and hum and hum…thinking of fireplaces and cuddling up on couches and frolicking like mad in the snow. I think of Adam…and kisses we stole in the snow when no one was looking. I think about how I cried when my mom didn’t buy a tree and he sat there and held my head, begging me not to cry, and I caught him with tears in his eyes for me as he covered me with kisses and told me not to worry…before running out a getting me my own tree. I think about us huddled against the wind, our faces flushed as we did nothing more than stare at each other and giggle. I hum and wonder if we will be walking in our own wonderland next year, holding hands like we can’t bear to not be touching, whispering secrets while the dreams kiss us all over. Then we could have a snowball fight before running into the house exploding with laughter and kisses…strip down to the skin and make love while the world lulls in our happiness…and then fall asleep embracing like nothing will ever make us stop.

He’ll say, Are you married…we’ll say, No man…but you can do the job when you’re in town…

Yeah…sing, sing, sing…with my head bopping from side to side…with thoughts of trees and twinkle lights and snow…of happy families, rambunctious children, and superfluous lovers. How could you not have happy thoughts while singing that song? It sings my body electric, and whenever I hear it, I know I am loved.

Can you feel it, too?

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Walking in a winter wonderland.
Walking in a winter wonderland.