woe is the loneliest number
October 06, 2003 � 8:10 p.m.
First Entry Today
Mood-Pissed and happy at the same time...so bizarre!
Techno Blade-Blade soundtrack
"I should have saved my own ass and kept on riding because lady luck sure as hell ain't with me no more."-Posse
Recurring thought-Damn... no money + no Swiz * no clue = no fun
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Sylvie had started leaking antifreeze real bad like last Thursday but I though nothing of it until Saturday. Jenny looks under the hood and says a disk is a wobbling. When she takes it in to get the axel and valve cover gasket done, we find that the water pump was shot and that�s why my car had started to be so damn loud when starting up and was leaking the fluid out. Also found out that the front rotors are warped and that will be an extra $300 to get fixed along with the REAR brakes that will cost about $300 to fix and I have to get ALL this done before the cold weather sets in.
I got the water pump done and now I'm broke for two damn weeks.
Broke.
Fucking A, man.
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So I got Sylvie, my beautiful but unhealthy car, somewhat fixed this weekend. The reward for my love and care for the silver bullet, was yet ANOTHER bill I will have to pay to get her all better and drivable in the upcoming winter weather, which from the looks of it this weekend is going to be one bitch of a season this year.
Fuck all, man!! I still have to save for this stupid ass cruise coming up in December! There is NO WAY I am going to have enough money saved up and have my bills paid and buy new clothes and shit by December. And it's not doing anything but stressing me the fuck out because I don't even want to go, but because my uncle decided to "surprise" us with the trip this year without even consulting us first, I'm fucking stuck, and now I'm not going to be able to get anyone anything for Christmas or really do anything fun for the next couple of months because I have to save up for this stupid shit, which means bye-bye to my New York Halloween trip.
Damn it!! Damn it all to hell!!
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Swiz has been sitting on my chest and picking at my brain like a deranged monkey all weekend. I don't know why I can't get him off of my mind. It's constant...as easy as breathing...but instead of me not being affected by it anymore, it just creates and crops up new questions and variables and now I'm all spun round in it.
I love him...I know that...that's the only thing that is a constant, consistent, known variable. How he feels about me, what he wants out of this, and what I want out of this is what is the formula that is constantly changing with it's unknown variables.
I always did suck at math.
Newest development is he called Leenie Saturday and got her voice mail. He left her a message. She called back. He was acting all cloak and dagger because he was with his girl. ok...
1. It was only Leenie. One of his good friends that he had been trying to contact. He couldn't say that to his girl? That would have been a problem? If so...how come I have talked to him when he was around her (ok...it was only once and this was before the actual sex but after the heavy make out session) and it wasn't a problem? Are they having problems or was he just paranoid?
2. He called LEENIE to see if WE were going anywhere or getting into anything. Why call her when you have my number and you want to know if WE were going out?
3. Leenie said he was acting mad strange...like he had something he wanted to talk to her about, but he COULDN'T in front of his girl. Now what was that about? Is he digging on Leenie now too? Or was he calling HER to ask questions about ME?
4. Him wanting to talk to Leenie has me feeling way uneasy and I don't have a clue as to why.
Funny thing is, she finally told me what the conversation was the last time we all went out and she disappeared. Apparently, he was itching to tell her about us, but since she "didn't know", he wouldn't and just kept telling her to ask me. He wouldn't dance with her because I was there. He came all the way up there just for me. He told her he really liked being around me. In short, the whole time they were out there on the floor, Leenie said he was talking about me, but wouldn't tell her what we were doing...he just said he wasn't going to hurt me and he wasn't just fucking around.
Huh?
Did I need to hear that right now? Not really...but I enjoyed hearing that right now. Is it possible that he really does have the same feelings for me? Was Leenie right? Is that why we have always been able to find our way back to each other? Is this it? If not...then why all the danger and urgency?
If this isn't love...then why does it feel so right?
*sigh*
I have to stop before I go cross-eyed.
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Ha...Cowboy's "love of his life" relationship isn't doing so well. He went up to New York to see her and I can tell something went wrong up there because he was "weird" when he came back. Like all chatty and concerned and shit like that. He had that look of disappointment on his face and that tone of doom in his voice. Whatever happened up there, I just hope she initiated it, because if not, I can tell that this is the beginning of the end for them.
Mark my words.
I just find it funny that since we broke up, he has fallen "in love" twice and proclaimed that he "isn't acting anymore", but neither relationship worked out like he wanted and he has become the best method actor in the damn business.
Meanwhile, I...the dumped...am no longer floundering, pretending, or searching. I am not deluding myself. I am in a fucked up situation, yes, but at least my eyes are open.
He just defines himself as "the asshole" more and more every day.
Have I said how glad I am that we broke up, lately?
Well shit...here you go...
I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I AM NOT WITH YOUR TWISTED, SORRY ASS ANYMORE!!!!!
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW, DICKHEAD!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
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Jenny is feeling a bit better, now. She needed a bit of reflection time and now I think she has put things in their "proper places" and she will be able to move on, which is great for her. I worry that maybe we will drift apart when she gets in a relationship though. She won't need me when she has a girlfriend.
I'll be alone again.
But she'll be happy.
And that's all that's important to me.
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Dude...what is up with all the "quotes" in this entry?!?!
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PMS does strange things to the body and brain, don't it?
*sigh*