...and found wanting
November 07, 2003 � 7:37 p.m.

First Entry Today

I am soooooo fucking tired.

Not tired like sleepy, but tired like weary.

I just want to be one of those happy girls�but I�m not.

I want to be known as a pretty girl�but I�m not.

I want to be seen as a formidable force�but I�m not.

I want to be loved�but�I am not.

At least not as I want to be loved�as I need to be loved�

not obligatory friend and family love�no�

I want someone to fall fucking head over heels�to be truly, madly, and deeply enthralled�to worship me�to understand me�to be inspired by me�to fight for me�to choose me�I want someone�

for me.

But just like when I was a kid, everything that I want already belongs to someone else, and all I can do is covet and admire�waiting for the owner to turn their back so I can one day snatch it and run like hell�

but where would I run?

What do I do when I come to my senses once the initial wanderlust has subsided and I realize that I never really wanted it�that it�s nothing like I thought it would be�

�that I was happy just admiring and coveting it�s perfect beauty before I smeared my fingers all over it, got it dirty, and broke it?

He was beautiful before I touched him.

He was perfect before I inspected him.

He was a mystery before I revealed him.

He was mine before I wanted him.

I am Midas� long lost twin sister�everything I touch turns to shit.

Everything I believe in fades to nothingness.

Everything I love shatters and turns to dust.

Maybe I�m wrong for wanting to be loved�to be happy�to be free�because every time I try to be any of those things, life has a way of stepping in and taking it away from me like I�m a chastised child.

Now who told you it was okay for you to touch the love and happiness, Thea? Now give it to me and go to �time out� this instant young lady!!

I�ve spent my entire life in that fucking time out chair�punished for knowing too much�punished for wanting too much�punished for revealing too much�punished for daring to dream.

I am still that fat kid crying in the �time out� chair in the corner�degrading myself for being as stupid as to tell the truth and wanting other kids to like me�only now I�m being as stupid as to expose my heart and wanting the guys to love me.

Wanting�always wanting.

Nothing in my life is as I thought it would be. No kiss has surmounted that first one, no dream has replaced the first shattered one, no �I love you� has touched me like the first time it was said to me�I�m a college drop out that dwells in a tiny apartment with no money and working at a job that I will never advance in and fucks and falls in love with men that aren�t mine�can never be mine�

Don�t want to be mine.

No...nothing is as I thought it would be�it is all just a pale facsimile of the life I imagined would be for me, and whenever I find myself subconsciously comparing the two, I end up crying until I feel sick�

because the life that I wanted was simple and easy and loving�and is by which the life I lead day in and day out is judged�

�and always found wanting.