true confessions
February 17, 2004 � 4:23 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sad with a down pour of self realizations

I have a confession to make.

I am a supreme asshole.

And I am tired of living up to that title.

I am tired of letting things get to me that I can not change. Tired of wanting to be accepted and loved and needed because in truth, I always only seem to want those things from people who won�t ever give them to me. I might come off like a bitch, a strong, ignorant bitch, but I am not. I may act like I don�t care but I do. In one more day, I will be 28 years old and I don�t want to carry this bullshit with me into another year of my life.

People hate me right now for reasons unknown and there is nothing I can do about�nothing can change that�and I have to accept that. Maybe I am the bad guy and I have just been fooling myself. Maybe I make myself out to be the victim when really those around me are really the ones that suffer.

Fuck it�maybe I�m just not the person I believe myself to be.

I have lost trust in those I trusted and faith in things I held holy, and that does change a person. I may seem like the shit going on at work just pisses me off, but it doesn�t piss me off. It just plain hurts. People will think what they want of me, and I have to face the fact that I can not help that. It�s just�it�s just that I have never been good at letting things go�letting people go�because when I say I love you, I mean it with my entire being�from blood to bones. And when I say shit about people, mean or praise, I mean that too�inside and out�from blood to bones. And now�.now I am all dried out. I have no more blood to give. No fight left in me. Whatever happens from now on�will just have to happen. I will neither fight it nor help it.

I will just let it be.

Feelings have been hurt, and words can�t change that. Apologies can�t mend it. And maybe love�after all�won�t make it all just go away, and I am sorry for that. Not sorry for those that feel trespassed, but sorry for myself for never realizing that self destruction and degradation doesn�t just effect me and my life, but those around me�just like their lives effect the actions in mine. I may be coming to this realization late in life, but not too late for my life to be different from now on�and maybe me changing myself will help change other.

Hell, if I can change the world can change. That�s the saying isn�t it?

I love a man that doesn�t love me, and the more I fight it, the more I feel it�and the more I feel it, the farther he drifts away from me. I reach out to touch him and he always drifts just out of my reach, and I hate myself for it�for reaching for him in the first place when I know his hand will never be stretched out to try and clasp mine. So what do I do? What can I do? Do I tell him I love him just because I know that will make him go away, or do I keep my mouth shut and just ride it out, letting life decide what will be between us? Is that really action or inaction? Is that coming to a decision or is it just straight up being indecisive? You can�t help who loving who you love. You can�t control it�but you can control what that love does to you, and when it more hurtful than helpful, then you should just let it go.

So why can�t I just let go?

I don�t want to say goodbye to anyone. I hate goodbyes�but maybe goodbye is the only thing left to say. Maybe the people at work would be better off if I�m not there. Maybe Swiz would be better off if I didn�t love him so much. But what if I do let go? What if I do leave and stop loving them all and they do get better? I don�t want to know that, because knowing that means that I will know something else.

That it really is all just me. That I am the bad apple.

And who the hell wants to know that they are the fucking bad guy after all?

Maybe honesty isn�t the best policy.

I�m tired of hurting. I�m tired of coming home and lying in my bed at night crying instead of sleeping because I feel fucked up behind things I can�t change. You are who you love�not who loves you�and the one you love and the one that loves you are never ever the same person, so why even bother to worry about it?

I am not writing this so people might read it and feel vindicated or vilified. I am not writing this for acceptance or forgiveness. I am writing this for me�to remind myself that for one moment I did have a moment of clarity and I did see everything for what is really is, so whatever happens from here, I have no one else to blame but myself.

Maybe I am writing this for forgiveness. Maybe I am writing this so I can forgive myself and stop with all the damaging relationships and situations I crowd myself into, because if I loved myself enough, then none of this shit would really be happening right now, but knowing the path and walking the path are two totally separate things.

I can know everything I will ever need to know about everything, but if I don�t do anything about it, then what fucking good does that do?

I don�t know.

I know I should change but I don�t think I can change. I have been living in a fantasy world where I believe that friendships are forever and love is the truest answer, and that�s all I know. That�s all I have ever known and really believed in, but the child in me that holds onto that is dying and her notions are fading�her fairy tale world is coming to a painful demise and when that�s gone, she will be gone.

And who will I be�

without her?

Who can I ever be�but me?

I don�t want to turn 30 and look back at my life and just be like �What the fuck?!� Life is full of �what the fuck� moments. I don�t want to be a �what the fuck� moment in someone else�s life.

I don�t want to be an asshole anymore.

I just want to be me

I just have to figure out exactly who that is�

and I hope and pray that I have the motivation and courage to do just that.