it's about that time
April 23, 2004 � 12:19 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today's Weather: Uneventful dreariness

I haven't heard from him since I called him. He, in fact, seemed a bit put off because I called him from my work phone and that comes up unavailable (I was not aware of that) and his brother always comes up unavailable, so I guess he thought I was his brother. Then I felt the vibe that he thought I was playing on his phone by calling from an unknown number again. He did sound happy to hear from me, but I could tell he thought I was being tricky, and that hurt my feelings. So we hung up...and I felt so damn unresolved and stupid...again...and now that I have no reason to call him anymore, I have vowed not to call him again.

I will try...yes...I will...I can do it...

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!!!

I really am at that point where I can't take it anymore. You can only give someone so many chances to fuck up...and he's all out of chances.

Ok...so maybe if he called me for sex, we could still do that...but all this other shit...all this love and pining away shit...that's done with.

I can love his stupid ass all I want...he just don't have any power in that anymore. And one day, this love will lose it's grip on me, and none of that will matter anymore...he won't matter anymore...and one day he'll call...and will go unanswered...

one day.

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I just sent Gigggles some food and money...again. So now I'm super broke...again. And I'm feeling like her bitch...once again.

But this is the last time. I can't keep bailing her out. Not that I mind, but when it interferes with my livelihood, it can't keep happening. It's not her fault, and I know she needs me right now, but damn...I feel like I'm being stretched too thin. I panic when I don't hear form her...I feel like crying when she calls me all upset.

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't just call when she needs something, but when I hear from her, I feel the need to go out of my way to do things for her.

Me and my stupid loyalty...fucking me in the ass once again.

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Somehow, now, when Jenny comes or leaves, she kisses me. No tongue...but she kisses me.

And it's nice.

But I'm not sleeping well.

I keep having these weird dreams about her...and now Swiz keeps getting thrown in the mix.

Dude...I am a psychologist's wet dream.

I get more of a kick flirting with her than with anyone else...maybe because I know it won't go anywhere...

or maybe because I'm secretly hoping it will...

fuck if I know.

I'm thinking it's just the heat and my hormones running wild again.

I NEED to get laid...now.

Who knows, maybe this summer I'll get my fat ass out there and find me somebody just for me, instead of feeding off of someone else's energy. Since Cowboy, I've been like hibernating...not dressing up or going out really or doing anything...it's like I'm scared to get out there again, so I hold on to Swiz and my love for him even tighter because even though it's not much...it's all I have.

And that...has become "not enough". It's time for me to get back out there...to get that confidence back...to have that old feeling again.

Maybe it's time for a change and that's why I'm so damn restless.

Maybe.

Just fucking maybe.

Either way, it's fucking awesome to have girlfriends to hold my hand along the way.

I love my girls to death.