everything and nothing is always the same
February 22, 2004 � 2:39 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sullen and Reclusive

I spoke to Jenny yesterday, but I still don�t think that we are �speaking� yet. We were just both online and neither of us IM�d each other, and then she logged off, and I sat here feeling stupid. I can�t help still feeling hurt. I might love her more than any other emotion that might come into play, but I think I need to keep my distance until I�m really over it. I can be a spiteful thing when I want to�even more so when I don�t want to�so I better just keep to myself for now.

But I miss her�and part of me hates myself for it.

The reason we started speaking wasn�t even a good one. Well�not a pleasant one.

She called me on my cell yesterday around noon, and as soon as I saw her name on my phone, I knew something was wrong. Normally, she�d just call my work phone. I picked up, but didn�t say much, and then she said she had bad news. I tensed, fearing it had to be horrible for her to call, even worse for me to feel something was wrong and answer, and then she spilled it out.

Einstein is back on drugs.

I sat there at my desk with my mind reeling and my heart sick, not knowing what to say or how to say it, especially since I didn�t really want to be speaking to her, and tears filmed my eyes as she told me how he had come in freaking out that morning, telling everyone he had went to the doctor and they told him he had cirrhosis of the liver and had 6 months to live. She said she didn�t feel right about the story, though, and then Cowboy rode with him to what they thought was a doctor but ended up being Camden, where Einstein went and got some dope and then preceded to drive to get some needles and shoot up in some dude�s house. Cowboy just took the car and left him there.

I haven�t heard anymore about it.

I knew he was smoking weed with Cowboy, though no one else knew, and I knew that something was going on because he had seemed weird last time I saw him, but I couldn�t figure out what it was. Since he is a sickly boy, we just thought he was sick.

Well he was sick�just dope sick.

And I am so pissed at Cowboy right now because he should have known better�he should have seen what was going on�but he was so wrapped up in getting high his damn self, he didn�t even see his friend going down again. Not that it�s his fault or even his duty to watch over Einstein, but damn�he should have known better.

And now I am afraid that he will overdose just like my friend did after Christmas, but I don�t want to have anything to do with him because I�ve dealt with this shit before with James (the stalker ex), and I am not even trying to get involved in bullshit like that again. Right now, I am just so glad that he never had my number or knew where I lived, because I would be an ass and have pity on him, and who knows what that would have lead to. I am ashamed to be such a coward about it, but I have dealt with friends and family getting fucked up over drugs before, and it has always seemed to damage me more than it damaged them, because after awhile, they don�t seem to have a choice in what they do anymore, while I always have choices and I always make the wrong ones and beat myself up for it. I still beat myself up for it.

My heart goes out to him. I can�t even begin to explain how much I am hurting right now. And I can only imagine how badly he�s hurting himself right now.

Fuck.

I want to talk to Jenny, to see if anything else has happened, but I have a feeling she doesn�t want to talk to me as much as I don�t want to talk to her. I know she�s sorry. She�s said it so many times, and I believe her, but being sorry can always make you act strangely and uncomfortable and the more uncomfortable she sounded on the phone last night, the more angry and uneasy I felt speaking to her. So why should we say anything to each other if we made each other so damn uncomfortable and guilty? She feels guilty for forgetting, and I feel guilty for being upset about it, and together we make two assholes in a mess that neither one of us knows how to get out of. I don�t want to lose our friendship�but�what if we�re never the same again? What if I always secretly hold a grudge and she�s always feeling guilty so that we will never be the same around each other again? Never trusting each other again? Never feel that closeness again?

I don�t know. Maybe I�m overanalyzing shit again.

Maybe tomorrow we�ll be fine and it will be like nothing�s happened.

Maybe it won�t.

Maybe this was inevitable.

Maybe I should just stop drinking and try to take my ass to sleep before I make shit worse by fucking thinking too much.

Maybe. Just maybe.