it's like that
April 19, 2004 � 9:23 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Sleepy and edgy with bouts of sullenness

Yeah�it�s like THAT.

So every damn time I am still for more than 5 seconds together, he is there invading my thoughts.

Yeah�I�m an asshole in case you didn�t know�jot that down and memorize it for next time.

There just might be a quiz.

~sigh~

It�s because his birthday is this week�tomorrow to be exact�and I am contemplating calling him and wishing him a happy birthday. Hey, I�m proud I�ve narrowed it down to just a call�just yesterday I was on my way to getting him a gift�an engraved Zippo because he says he loves them and someone snatched his last one. He would really like that. But see�I�m fucked�because Thea the friend is doing it because he is my friend and I love him�.but Thea the fuck buddy might be seen as doing it to try to kiss ass to make sure there will be at least ONE more bang session before he splits for good (which just might be true and I�m not realizing it as true yet). So the friend is will end up being seen as a childish, hurt bitch just like the lover�and either way, giving him anything would just be stupid because the real motive for me giving it to him won�t even be acknowledged by him and he�s just going to overreact and jump to his own conclusions anyway, so fuck it. I just want to give him something because I love him�and we�ve been cool for so long�when did such an easy thing as giving a gift to a loved one become so underhanded and degrading?

Think that was confusing, just imagine all the shit going on in my mind that I don�t feel like writing about right now.

Plus�I�m still pissed about him calling Jenny and how our call went down afterwards. And I�m really fucking suspicious and pissed at Sassy, because it seems like every damn time she goes out with us and he�s there, SHE says and does something that pisses HIM off so bad he turns and does some fucked up shit to ME. I thought it was just flirting, but I did see his face when we were out and she was talking to him, and the ENTIRE time she was in his face, he really didn�t seem like he wanted to be bothered at all�.and then he tells me I need to �watch my friends�. What is that about? He makes a pass at Leenie, whom he knows would NEVER really do anything with him, and then he calls Jenny up out of the blue (and we still have no clue how he even got her damn phone number) asking to come �hang out and do whatever� knowing that she�s gay and �whatever� to her isn�t the same as what his �whatever� is to me. Is it a trap to see what I�d do if they told me or is he really that stupid? But if it�s all that, then why not just take Sassy up on the offer since she�s the one all up in his face? It ain�t like she�s ugly or anything�so why not her? Why not the one he�d have a better chance of fucking instead of the two LEAST likely candidates? My BEST friends? He had to know�even if they DIDN�T know we were doing anything�that they would say something to me about him calling!! See what I mean? It goes round and round and the only conclusion that makes sense is also the only one I don�t want to dwell on because it gives a little bit of hope and I don�t want to HOPE because I know that NOTHING good can ever come of THAT!!!

Dammit!! I fucking hate myself so fucking much for loving his stupid ass as much as I do!! Arrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!! I am SUCH a fucking ASSHOLE!!

____________________________________________________

Giggles was going through some family drama and came to stay with me for a few days. She left last night to be with her �husband� but should be back tomorrow or so. She�s moving out of the place she�s at and to a cheaper hotel while they try to get an apartment. Being around her for a whole weekend, it is so easy to see the girl she used to be, well the girl she used to let everyone think was her. I always saw her sweetness and kindness, but with this drama over her family, and I am also seeing how close to the edge they have finally managed to get her. She seems so close to a breakdown�so close to giving in and giving up�she�s just�tired of fighting a war that can never really have a victory. I just told her to stop fighting. To just leave. To disappear. To shout one last �Fuck You!!� and melt into the horizon forever and ever amen. And I thought I had finally gotten her to see that that is the only way she will survive all of this, but there she is�back at the hotel�back in the middle of the bullshit�all because she couldn�t bear being apart from her hubby too long. They were miserable because they weren�t together�and THAT was putting a strain on things. Ain�t that a bitch? After 6 years, space�is a bad thing.

In their defense�they ARE such a cute family�and he really loves my girl�I feel it when I�m around them�.see it in his eyes when he talks to her�hear it clearly in her voice whenever she talks about him. He is the only place she has ever felt safe. He understands her and loves her as she is. They just�flow together�you know? And it�s beautiful�so beautiful to see�and so heartbreaking at the same time. I want a love like that�I want to feel safe like that. Am I jealous? No�but I am envious. Not of them�of what they found�and I just want to be around them to feel it�s warmth.

I am completely happy with being �in love� by association.

Yeah�it�s like THAT.

Having Gigs and the baby at the house these past few days have really brought back memories, and not that it�s her fault, but I have soooooo not been sleeping well. Since Friday, I think I have had a total of 6 hours�no lie. And I�m not even tired, which is the odd thing. I�m just exhausted from my mind constantly turning and flipping�reliving all those memories and loves and wars from my youth�feeling that fear pounding in my chest again till it�s almost like I can�t breathe�.thinking about Swiz, Jenny, Darryl, Cowboy, Adam, Gigs, and life�feeling inadequate and left behind�thinking sad without really feeling the sadness�just feeling�lost.

That�s the word�lost.

Not really sad or angry or depressed or lonely�just lost�tumbling from one emotion to the next but never dwelling on one long enough for it to take hold of me.

Lost.

That�s me.

____________________________________________________

So it finally came to pass�Jenny had sex!!

YEAH!!

Not with me.

BOOOOOOO�.?!?!?

She told me and I was thrilled to the max (oh my God�like, totally excuse that mondo mind trip back to the 80�s!) for her, but I also felt a twinge of�I don�t know�jealousy maybe? I don�t know. I went from being thrilled to possessive in less than 60 seconds. I mean, she�s MINE. I have her branded. I OWN her. Where does she get off having sex? How could she cheat on me? And was it good sex, I don�t know. She�s coming over later to give me the blow by blow.

I am back to being happy for her, by the way�but I am sitting here wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I am not gay�never wanted to be gay or anything�but Jenny�I don�t know�it�s different. She�s my heart�my best friend�but there also something else�something intangible that I can�t really give a name to. Maybe it�s just because I can be myself around her or because we�re both stupid as hell or because I�m safe with her�I don�t know. Love it is�yes�but EXACTLY what kind of love�I have no clue.

I wonder if this was how she felt when I slept with Cowboy.

(completely childish but needed side note: Cowboy, by the way, has a new girl and she is starting to feel insecure over the fact that she can�t make him get hard and come without great difficulty. She said it takes a lot of work and she feels like she�s doing something wrong and he told her it wasn�t her�he doesn�t know what is it. HA!!! I know what it is!!! It IS her!! He told me he had this problem with girls before. We went through that awkward thing the first 4 times we had sex, but once I was comfortable with him�no problem. HA!!! EIGHT MINUTES BITCH!! BEAT THAT!!! Damn�.I LOVE revenge!! I bet you he still has to beat off to thoughts of me in order to come!! Ha!! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! If you need lessons girl, holla�I�ll give you a few pointers. Apparently, I�M the only one that knows what to do!! Ha haaaaaaaaaaa!!!)

Jenny came over Saturday and we all got fucked up. She had fell asleep on the couch and I had to wake her up to go home, but when I tried, she just rolled over and nodded at me. Then she reached out and started rubbing my face, and I just laid my head down, snuggling into her hand and damn near purring. It made me happy. I don�t know why it did or why I liked it so much�but it did�it made me happy�and I could have just laid there next to her all night. When she decided to stay, I was going to offer to let her sleep with me (nothing sexual just to sleep) but I decided against it (last minute thoughts of the sexual�plus I snore�loud). It was funny, when me and Gigs were talking about it the next day, she said how much she liked Jenny and if she were gay, Jenny would be in big trouble. I nodded and said how there have been times when I�ve been on the brink, and if I thought she would have me, I would SO crossover for Jenny.

So straight girls and guys seem to just want to eat Jenny up slow with a slotted spoon, while girls on her team barely give her play�hmmmm�.interesting.

Like I said, I really am happy for Jenny and J and hope they can make something out of all this�because Jenny girl deserves to be happy�

But if J does anything to hurt her, I�ll smash her fucking face in.

Yeah�it�s like that.

____________________________________________________

Well, I gotta go and get ready to meet my Jenny and hear all about her sexcapade.

By the way�next time I complain when I am having a drama free moment�

Please�

Someone smack the shit out of me and tell to shut the fuck up and enjoy because times like these are always just around the corner and then I�m going around wishing for those fucking drama free moments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just smack the ever-loving SHIT out of me and bring me back to reality, okay?!?!

Yeah�it�s like that�.just like THAT.