in summation
September 06, 2004 � 5:42 p.m.

Today�s Weather: Moody, cold, and blue

It�s weird, I pay to upgrade this journal to gold, and I never write here anymore. I�m constantly clicking away in my live journal, though�probably because I don�t post real entries, just snippits of life here and there. Well, whatever.

I did get a car, though. A brand new Suzuki Forenza is now mine!! And she is so beautiful�I just love driving that car!! I named her Lola (since she helped me get the car) but if I ever reference her here, she�ll be Red. Sylvie is outside the house now, and Darryl claims he wants to get her fixed, so she�s not gone yet. Good thing too�I went out to look at her yesterday and started tearing up at the thought of getting rid of her.

What can I say? I�m a pack rat�I keep EVERYTHING.

So, getting a car should have made me happy�but it didn�t. I was happy until I was driving home, when I realized I didn�t have anyone to show my new car off to. There wouldn�t be anyone waiting for me at home to cheer me on and congratulate me, just like there wasn�t anyone to help me out with looking and acquiring the car. I got half way home and burst into tears because�because I�m so lonely. I�m used to being alone�but I�m not used to being lonely. Usually, I have SOMEONE I can call and bullshit with or hang out with�but Jenny is gone and she was my only best friend�which after awhile became my only friend�which then turned into my heartache because she dumped me just as sure as the men in my life. We have emailed a few times, she called but whenever I call back she doesn�t answer so I�ve just given up on it. There�s a reason I can�t get in touch with her�and I�m just going to leave it at that. Fuck it. I don�t have time for it.

And Swiz�well�I think that is finally over. I have called him twice, and he hasn�t called me back. It�s been over a month and we have never gone more than a month without seeing each other. So I guess my hunch is right. He has a new girlfriend and I�m out for good. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for the day reality sets in, you are never really ready for it. As much as I have bitched and moaned and yearned for it to be over and done with, I am dying inside because he is gone�because it is done�because he didn�t prove me wrong and make everything all right. I knew that this is how it would happen, but a small part of me hoped that it would never come to pass. So what now? I cry, I guess�curse at the walls and drink myself stupid�and close myself off again for awhile because THIS pain I want to feel�this pain I NEED to remember�I HAVE to learn a lesson from this�or just like all the rest�it was all for nothing.

Today, I sit here bored and pissed off in my tiny, dirty apartment, because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no money to attempt to do anything on my own. I�ve been moping all day, angry that I am spending the last holiday of summer couped up in here without any cable to soothe me. Yeah�no cable. My box went kaput and they wont be able to come out to fix it till tomorrow, so I have been trapped without cable since fucking Thursday night. Great, huh? New car, no money. Day off from work, no cable. Holiday, no friends to call or any bbq�s to go to.

That pretty much sums up my last few days.

Tears, regrets, heartaches, betrayals, and loneliness.

Yup�that pretty much sums up my life.