i officially suck
July 06, 2004 � 8:58 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Crazed with periods of vast uneasiness

Forth of July fucking sucked rank ass, and I don�t even have enough time to give a really good update because I am at work and I have a shitload of work to catch up on.

Damn three-day weekends!!

So, Saturday I went out with Leenie to the Coast, which was like�dullsville to the max�and like�totally retro and empty. Very ungnarly indeed. Especially since Leenie was talking to this assmunch that looked and sounded so much like Cowboy, that I had to drink myself stupid to keep from punching him in the face and when I got home, the thought of him made me throw up for like an hour. His name even started with a �B� and he was a Leo, too, and he had that black �white boy� thing going on. I seriously wanted to go home to keep from drinking too much, mistaking him for asshole, and creating a fucking scene, but Leenie begged me to stay with her. He had me so unsettled, that at the end of the night I was crying at the bar while Leenie tried to convince me that Swiz really IS the love of my life and I should try to approach the subject of �relationship� with him.

Speaking of Swiz�

I called his punk ass when I got home Saturday night, but he never called me back. Then he called me later in the day on the forth and apologized for not calling back but he had already been sleep by the time I called. He said he had been working mad overtime at work and had been running around, but he wanted to call me and make sure I was all right. Then he asked me what I was doing later, and he said that he wanted to come see me after he dropped off his boys. I said he could. At this point, I was happy he called me back, because all I wanted to do was see him so I could end it. And have sex. Definitely have sex.

He never came. He still hasn�t called.

In my MIND , it is over. I don�t need to talk to him to tell him this. It�s just over. I walk away and he walks away, and nothing is ever said�it just�dissolves back into the nothingess it came from.

After fucking him for a year, after pining after him for 14 years�this is the ending I get.

How fucking sad is that?

The forth was me and my brother lying around the house in our night clothes all day, watching boring ass TV, and playing with my new kitten.

Yes, I have been conned into taking a kitten. She is the cutest little thing!! I have named her Trixie�because she is such a trixie thing. I really need to cut back on the fucking LORD OF THE RINGS. Seriously.

Anyway, yes, I sat around all day undressed. Nobody called me (except for Swiz) and I didn�t bother to call anyone. I didn�t even venture outside to see if I could catch a glimpse of some fireworks somewhere. I officially suck.

I was able to get my dad a bansai for his birthday, which has wiped me out till payday on Friday�which will only yield me a few bucks to get back and forth for two weeks because I have mad bills to pay.

So to sum it up�

I am broke, all my clothes are still dirty, still no word from Jenny, Ric is still hawking me, Swiz is still breaking my heart, I could still lose my job at any time, I have almost no food in my house, I have no freaking social life at all, and now I have a fucking kitten.

I.OFFICIALLY.SUCK.

Don�t you agree?