who's stalking who?
March 19, 2004 � 2:01 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Aggravated with moody skies

Here�s a tip: if you are ever feeling fucked up and down, just watch the damn Dave Chappelle comedy show on HBO. That shit will have you fucking ROLLIN�!!! Damn�I�ve watched it twice since I got home and I laughed so damn hard I made my self sick!! Dave Chappelle on HBO�watch it!!!

Something weird happened when I came home today. There was a truck pulling off when I pulled up that looked like Jenny�s. When I walked in, there were clothes on my chair and keys on the desk and a dvd in front of the computer. I stared at it hard for a minute before throwing down my bag and shouting, �What the fuck?!?!� I turned on the kitchen light and looked at the stuff again. My brother asked me if I was alright and I started laughing. Laughing like a fucking lunatic. I had to go in my room and sit down and catch my breath.

See�I had thought that Jenny had come over and dropped off my stuff and left her keys to my place on my computer desk. I thought that she had just left my shit and left out of my life for ever�and I�ll be honest�for that few minutes�I was fucking devastated. That�s what I get, though. Briefly, earlier I had toyed with the idea of doing that same thing�not to be spiteful, but to just have it done with to save awkwardness down the line (mind you, I wasn�t really thinking straight when I had this idea). I figured it would be a clean break without all the drama and mess. I know�sounds like a couple breaking up don�t it? But that�s how I feel�like a dumped girlfriend. She still hasn�t written me back and I had sent her an email (for Satan) earlier, and she didn�t respond to that either, so I figure hey�she don�t want to be bothered�take a fucking hint. Jack says I�m taking it too personal�that she does this sometimes�.just withdraws and get into herself. He said we were �up the butt close� for so long and maybe she needed a break because she isn�t used to being so close to someone and instead of overreacting, I need to just step back and understand. That if I did that, it would be clearer. He said I�m too �black and white� and the world is nothing but grey and I need to realize that. I blew him off at first, but then I concluded he was right�that more than likely with everything else going on I am just being entirely too sensitive to everything. I have been overly emotional since I slept with Cowboy�like I know I fucked up�almost like I cheated on her or betrayed her in some way, so now I�m doing shit to make her want to be done with me because I feel like I deserve it.

I am one sick bitch, ain�t I?

So, I�m just going to step back and stop emailing her. Maybe our time as friends is over�or maybe we just need a break�I don�t know. Only time will tell.

I hate sayings like that�only time will tell. Who thought of that bullshit?

Anyway�I have a feeling that I have been pulled into the middle of some bullshit again. I�m not sure yet�but there are a few strange things going on around me that have me wondering, �Oh what the fuck did I do, now?� I don�t know. But if I was sold out again�this time, I am telling everyone the fuck off and they can all kiss my ass. I�ll be the damn fall guy once�but twice? Especially when I have been keeping to myself and staying out of shit? Aw, fuck no. Fuck THAT. I bit my tongue before, but if I�m the one that everyone thinks is dispensable, then I�m not going out without telling everyone what the hell they can do for me.

Fucking drama. Even when I stay out of it, I�m in it.

And I got another call last night. I missed it again. I think it is Stalker trying to fuck with me. A small part of me thinks it�s Swiz�but why would it be Swiz? What the fuck would he get out of crank calling me in the middle of the night? Stalker gets off on that shit. He�s always loved to fucking irk my nerves. Ugh!! This is killing me. Everything�everything just feels like it�s falling in on me and I hate it. I hate feeling so obsolete and out of control and�crazy. That�s how I feel. I fell like I�m going fucking crazy. This is usually the time I confide in Jenny�but well�can�t do that, now can I?

I can not get this song out of my mind. Every time I think of either of them, I think of this song�and maybe that�s why�it�s so hard to let them go.

There are places I remember

all my life, though some have changed.

Some forever, not for better.

And some have gone, and some remain.

All these places have their moments

with lovers and friends I still can't recall.

Some are dead and some are living.

In my life I love them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,

there is no one compares with you.

And these memories lose their meaning

when I think of love as something new.

Though I know I'll never ever lose affection

for people and things that went before,

I know I'll often stop and think about them.

In my life, I love you more.

Though I know I'll never ever lose affection

for people and things that went before,

I know I'll often stop and think of them.

But in my life I loved you more.

I love you more.

I love you more.

In My Life

By Bette Midler