a reminder
April 06, 2004 � 2:03 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Moody gloom clouds heavy on the horizon

Note to Self:

Hey stupid girl, never forget this�.you ain�t so brave.

You ain�t brave at all.

When you are already feeling down in the dumps, NEVER sit around and watch �WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN� and �JOHN Q� because they make you think of all the things that you are trying so hard not to think about�.like love, faithfulness, and having a father. When you watch movies like that, they break right on through that false bravado and those frozen smiles you walk around with all the time and make you cry and cry and cry over all the things you have lost and yearn for, and you sit around drinking rum and wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. They make you think about how you chase after love from undeserving men and how it all stems from the insecurities you harbor deep inside because of all the fucked up shit your father did to you�about how your father left you behind and so all your life that is all you are waiting for�to be left behind. They make you wonder where your knight in armor is and just how you got locked up in this fortress that only you had the key to�and lost�so now no one can come in to rescue you anyway. They make you think about how unhappy you really are�how unhappy you always have been�how you�ve always been a misfit and an eccentric locked up behind those invisible fortress walls. How you search and search and search in all the dark corners and under all the rocks and kiss and caress and kiss all the frogs in order to find that elusive love you always read about in books and saw in movies and witnessed through friends.

Remember�always remember�that YOU locked yourself behind these walls and only YOU can find the key to free yourself�that waiting for someone to come and save you is redundant and will drive you insane because no one even realizes that you need saving because you hide behind that false bravado and frozen smiles as you wander through life telling everyone that you are okay.

You are not okay. You may never be okay. And THAT�is okay.

No one is perfect�not even those folks you trick yourself into believing are infallible just so they can eventually do something wrong and prove your screwed up hypothesis as being true�that no one is who they claim to be and everyone will let you down and in the end�you WILL be left behind. Remember�THAT is the false truth and not the other way around. That YOU are the fucked up one and people love you anyway, and they don�t leave you until YOU leave them EMOTIONALLY first.

Stop running, girl.

Cease the false bravado.

Quit the fake smiling.

Halt all the harboring.

Live girl, live�before you die.

And hey stupid girl, never, EVER forget this�.you ain�t so brave.

Naw girl, you so ain�t brave at all

So stop pretending so hard that you are all the damn time.