release me
May 18, 2004 � 8:27 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Red�mean red�with a touch of magenta

Yesterday, I had a fierce case of the mean reds that just wouldn�t quit. It started around noon, the crying fit, and didn�t cease completely until 11:30 last night. I was totally blindsided by it, the crying fit, and the more I tried to reign it in the worse it got. I sat at my desk with the tears just pouring down my cheeks all day, wondering why I was crying and what I needed to do to stop it, but no answer came and nothing worked to end it.

I thought I was through with tears but I�m not. I have so many left to shed. Too many left to shed.

And I don�t even fully know why.

It started with Jack and them presenting Monkey with his birthday gift without me. Then people were asking me about what was going on with Bunny and why. And then I started to think about how Cowboy keeps telling people foul shit about me. Yeah, the �bad guy� syndrome was back in full swing. Then I remembered what yesterday was�and what today is.

A year ago yesterday, I was running around and packing up my mom�s house, calling apartment land lords, trying to figure out where my money went, worrying about my car breaking down, wondering why I felt so tired and edgy all the time, and pissed off at Cowboy for being such and asshole as of late. I had no idea my fucking life was about to be turned upside down�no fucking clue that he was going to dump me and leave me assed out without a place to live�oblivious to the fact that I was a little over a month pregnant. No�I didn�t have an inkling of an idea that these things were about to be revealed to me.

A year ago yesterday, I was in a fantasy land.

Yesterday, I was reliving the hell of today�the break up, the lies, the callousness�I was dumped back down in that despair again and I could not find my way out. So I cried and I cried and I cried�screaming at the walls in the darkness of my apartment, wondering why things never go my way and how he could do such a despicable thing to someone like me�someone that did nothing more than support and try to love him�someone that accepted him and all his chaotic ways�someone that turned herself inside out to try to be the kind of woman she always hated but knew he needed her to be�me�I�I did these things�stupidly and blindly I did these things FOR HIM, and how does he repay me? By cheating on me, lying to me, stealing my money, and leaving me high and dry with little money and no place to live.

Yes�I admit I thought of all this�and yes�I still had tears to cry for it.

The pain�yes�is still here.

I am, in a way, still holding onto him.

Not him, per se, but the repercussions from him, the betrayal of him, the destruction of him�these things I still grip tightly to my chest and moan about into the darkness. I just can�t seem to let go�of the pain. The break up, the discoveries, the confusion, the miscarriage�these things remain with me�little reminders of the past that I can�t seem to lose.

But I have to. I have to let them go. I can�t keep holding onto the past.

I can�t let them be my excuses anymore.

This is what I was thinking yesterday after talking to Jenny. This is what I was thinking and slowly the tears stopped and composure crept back in to solidify me. I�m using him as an excuse to continue to hurt myself�as I have always hurt myself�for self- destruction is the only construction I know.

I can not let them be my excuses anymore�.I can not let him be�.

�anything�

to me�anymore�

I have to let it go.

I just wish to God that I knew how.