reconstruction
April 30, 2004 � 2:29 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Vastly annoyed

I am annoyed right now.

Mother fuckers really get on my damn nerves sometimes.

So, I�m sitting there, grinning at nothing, drifting in my good feeling, when someone walks up to irk the shit out of me.

She asks me what�s going on with me�with a look on her face like �ewww�, and I just smile and say nothing. She then goes on this tirade about how she hopes it�s not over HIM, and that she hopes I�m not making a fool of myself over him, and bringing up Cowboy and the bullshit from last year. I could only gape at her a minute�wondering what the fuck her problem was�but instead of quietly accepting her words as usual, I rip back into her.

No, it�s not because of him. No, I�m not all goofy over him. I am just feeling good right now. I�m just happy right now. Is that a damn problem? Yes, I heard from him, and yes, even though we haven�t moved to another level or anything, I am more positive about him, about us, and I AM giving thought to pursuing something more�.but it�s just a thought. If he never came back, I�ve realized that he has made me happier than any man has made me�and yeah, he made me miserable at times, too, but damn�doesn�t everyone go through that? I am happy because for the first time in a long time, I am feeling motivated. I feel happy. I feel pretty. I feel like I can do anything and anything is possible to happen to me�how is that wrong? And no, it�s not because of him�it�s because of ME�because I am worth more than I treat myself�and though it might take me a long time to get there and really accept that notion, I am finally trying to believe that. What the fuck is wrong with that? The ideas I have now I�ve had for awhile, I�m just now verbalizing them and making moves to materialize them. Shouldn�t this be when you�re happy for me?

I said that and wanted to burst into tears of frustration, because the whole time her face was screwed up and duplicitous, and I just couldn�t understand it. �Let me find out your turning your life upside down for yet another nigga that don�t give a fuck about you,� she mumbled and then walked away. I wanted to go after her, but I stayed there, thinking about what had just happened, and I knew if I walked up on her, I�d hit her, so I stayed still. Bitch!!

I�ve been thinking about it all day, and I�ve come to the conclusion that people love me when I�m down. When I�m low, they gather around me and act piteous�.piteous and condescending�.and I let them treat me anyway they want because I need them�but when I�m up, they act suspicious�.suspicious and condescending�and I let them eat away at me until I�m low again�because that�s where I honestly feel I belong�beneath them. It�s never been as blatant as it was today. Does she need to support my feeling for Swiz? No�not at all. But does she have to knock me for it because I�m happy? This feeling has nothing (well, partly) to do with him, and I am sick of explaining that to folks. Just accept I�m happy, that I�m motivated�and fuck�be there for me like I�m always there for you. Is that too much to ask? I mean, maybe it�s the weather�or the season�.or the fact that I feel desirable again after feeling like a lump for so long. I don�t have the highest self esteem�.shit�it�s damn near non-existent�so when I�m feeling good, I want to roll with it�see where it goes�see what I can do. Maybe I have that seasonal depression, though�that�s hard to believe since winter and fall are my favorite seasons�but I have noticed, I DO always perk up this time of the year�.after falling into a funk from Halloween. Maybe. I don�t know.

Does it really matter?

A friend is supposed to be there for you through thick and thin�.suffer your woes and celebrate your highs with you�not just stick around because they always want to think they�ll always be better off than you. I�m fat�not stupid! I�ve known that most folks hang around me because of this�because I�ll never be seen as the �pretty� one in the group and I quietly accept that postion, but damn�doesn�t that ever cease? Don�t they ever grow out of it?

Don�t they ever really start to like me for me?

I�m babbling�and not making sense�so I should go and finish my vodka and go the hell to bed. I just know now, that I can�t let folks take the good things away from me anymore.

No�not ever again.

Man�.I have a LOT of rebuilding to do.

It�s going to be one busy�and possibly lonely�.summer.