Today’s Weather: Vastly annoyed

I am annoyed right now.

Mother fuckers really get on my damn nerves sometimes.

So, I’m sitting there, grinning at nothing, drifting in my good feeling, when someone walks up to irk the shit out of me.

She asks me what’s going on with me…with a look on her face like “ewww”, and I just smile and say nothing. She then goes on this tirade about how she hopes it’s not over HIM, and that she hopes I’m not making a fool of myself over him, and bringing up Cowboy and the bullshit from last year. I could only gape at her a minute…wondering what the fuck her problem was…but instead of quietly accepting her words as usual, I rip back into her.

No, it’s not because of him. No, I’m not all goofy over him. I am just feeling good right now. I’m just happy right now. Is that a damn problem? Yes, I heard from him, and yes, even though we haven’t moved to another level or anything, I am more positive about him, about us, and I AM giving thought to pursuing something more….but it’s just a thought. If he never came back, I’ve realized that he has made me happier than any man has made me…and yeah, he made me miserable at times, too, but damn…doesn’t everyone go through that? I am happy because for the first time in a long time, I am feeling motivated. I feel happy. I feel pretty. I feel like I can do anything and anything is possible to happen to me…how is that wrong? And no, it’s not because of him…it’s because of ME…because I am worth more than I treat myself…and though it might take me a long time to get there and really accept that notion, I am finally trying to believe that. What the fuck is wrong with that? The ideas I have now I’ve had for awhile, I’m just now verbalizing them and making moves to materialize them. Shouldn’t this be when you’re happy for me?

I said that and wanted to burst into tears of frustration, because the whole time her face was screwed up and duplicitous, and I just couldn’t understand it. “Let me find out your turning your life upside down for yet another nigga that don’t give a fuck about you,” she mumbled and then walked away. I wanted to go after her, but I stayed there, thinking about what had just happened, and I knew if I walked up on her, I’d hit her, so I stayed still. Bitch!!

I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I’ve come to the conclusion that people love me when I’m down. When I’m low, they gather around me and act piteous….piteous and condescending….and I let them treat me anyway they want because I need them…but when I’m up, they act suspicious….suspicious and condescending…and I let them eat away at me until I’m low again…because that’s where I honestly feel I belong…beneath them. It’s never been as blatant as it was today. Does she need to support my feeling for Swiz? No…not at all. But does she have to knock me for it because I’m happy? This feeling has nothing (well, partly) to do with him, and I am sick of explaining that to folks. Just accept I’m happy, that I’m motivated…and fuck…be there for me like I’m always there for you. Is that too much to ask? I mean, maybe it’s the weather…or the season….or the fact that I feel desirable again after feeling like a lump for so long. I don’t have the highest self esteem….shit…it’s damn near non-existent…so when I’m feeling good, I want to roll with it…see where it goes…see what I can do. Maybe I have that seasonal depression, though…that’s hard to believe since winter and fall are my favorite seasons…but I have noticed, I DO always perk up this time of the year….after falling into a funk from Halloween. Maybe. I don’t know.

Does it really matter?

A friend is supposed to be there for you through thick and thin….suffer your woes and celebrate your highs with you…not just stick around because they always want to think they’ll always be better off than you. I’m fat…not stupid! I’ve known that most folks hang around me because of this…because I’ll never be seen as the “pretty” one in the group and I quietly accept that postion, but damn…doesn’t that ever cease? Don’t they ever grow out of it?

Don’t they ever really start to like me for me?

I’m babbling…and not making sense…so I should go and finish my vodka and go the hell to bed. I just know now, that I can’t let folks take the good things away from me anymore.

No…not ever again.

Man….I have a LOT of rebuilding to do.

It’s going to be one busy…and possibly lonely….summer.