queen drama
August 05, 2004 � 6:20 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Pissy and black

I�m sure there�s worse ways to be waken up than by your mother calling your house 20 times, and when you finally pick it up, she�s in tears because her head hurts so bad, but I can�t think of any right now.

Somewhere between devil cat scratching the shit out of my legs and struggling to finish a sex dream about Swiz, I vaguely heard the phone ringing�and ringing�and ringing�and I knew who it was. Only the Queen calls like that, and usually she never has anything to say of any importance, so I generally ignore it and call back when she can�t irritate me as much. But this morning she pissed me off so bad that I picked the phone up, and her voice was a bit too chipper, which pissed me off even more. I mean, I WAS dreaming about sex, ok? Who�s happy when anything to do with sex is interrupted?

But after her usual stupid question section, I noticed her voice was off, and when I asked her what was wrong, she started crying and told me her head was hurting so bad she couldn�t take it. I wish I could convey how horrific it is to hear her cry�because I have rarely seen or heard her cry�and this morning, it just hit me so off guard I had no clue what to say or do. After she calmed down, she was talking about her headache and how she didn�t have the money for her medicine and that she wanted to talk to my brother.

Ok�now I�m back to pissed, because she always, always, ALWAYS does this. Act like anything I say or do is insignificant and Darryl has some magic touch that makes everything better. Yeah�the son that never wants to call her or go see her is always the one she wants to talk to and depend on. It shouldn�t still bug me after all these years, but it does. It just does. Because it still hurts. Because no matter what I do, I will always be second best to someone that doesn�t even want to be the chosen.

But that�s not really why I�m mad. I am mad because she knows that we just put out over $600 fucking dollars to get the car fixed, we have to get new car insurance this month, we don�t have any food in the house, and we have to pay the deposit on the new apartment�.along with all the normal bills we have to pay for the month�and she calls ME and gives ME a fucking guilt trip to ask Darryl and my uncle for money for HER since I can�t give it to her.

Are you kidding me?!?! Where the hell do I have the money to pay for her medicine? She KNOWS we�re fucking strapped right now, and she calls me early in the fucking morning to wake me up to some bullshit. By now I was wide awake�by now I was REALLY listening�and I realized she was doing her usually �wolf� cry, and then I was mad at myself for even falling for it again. So I told her she needed to check back into the hospital since she was having these headaches and they don�t even know why. I told her a doctor can�t do anything more than the hospital that ran a dozen tests on her. I told her that of course the medicine they gave her in the hospital isn�t working the same in pill form because it�s not getting shot directly into her bloodstream. I told her my car was still acting funky and reiterated the fact that we don�t have any money and we won�t be able to drive down there to see her as often and she needs to bring her ass back up here because if anything were to happen and we didn�t have a car, there would be no way in hell for us to get to her. She always calls me mean when I tell her the truth, but fuck it. She�s sick, and instead of acting like a big fucking baby, she needs to take her ass back to the hospital until they can figure out what is wrong with her. I don�t see how that is unreasonable. She has a husband in a wheelchair that�s at work all day, kids that are an hour away, and no one that just pops in to check on her, so if anything were to happen, who knows how long it would be before anyone would know? If she is alone and has a stroke and can�t get to a phone, depending on what time of day it is, by the time anyone gets home, she could already be gone�or worse�in a coma. And Lord help her if she falls or hits or head or anything.

Fuck.

All damn day my head has been swimming and I�m drowning in guilt because there�s nothing I can do to help her but be honest with her, which only makes her mad at me and ignore me even more. You know what�right now�when I have so many different things going on�I do not need her �Oh you don�t love me� bullshit. Every time she goes into the hospital or she gets sick she calls ME and says that shit to ME because deep down she knows it will effect me whereas Darryl wouldn�t give a shit. Don�t get me wrong, he loves our mom, but he�s not swayed by the guilt trips and bullshit like I am�mainly because he never had to do anything to get her love while I�ve been struggling to find ways to obtain it all my life.

Right now I�m sitting here worried because she was supposed to call me when she went to the doctor and she hasn�t called me yet. I emailed my uncle and begged him for some money and told him he really needed to go see his sister because she wasn�t doing too well. He put the money in her account, but said nothing about going to see her. I called her and left that on the machine�and still no call back. Didn�t I do what I was asked? Aren�t I doing what I can? Can�t you just love me anyway now, momma?

Whatever. She does this too me every time and every time I fall for it�because I never know if it will be the last time.

Fuck.

In other news�I adore Chickpea in all her coolness and I think I am developing a girl crush on her�because she just rocks that much. Fuck...that...I want to be like her when I grow up.

I started another diary that has nothing but letters to folks and things in it. Completely boring, but check it out if you want.

And someone tagged my board and left a link to porn. Imagine my shock when I was trying to be sneaky at my diary at work and I clicked that link and a bunch of naked chicks popped up on my screen. Mmmmm�porn. Feel free to help yourself.

Then at least someone would be having a better day than me.

Fuck.