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May 25, 2004 � 9:05 p.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: Apprehensive

I needed time to process.

Process my good-bye, process Leenie�s operation, process Jenny�s relationship, process money, process my future moving plans.

Yeah�needed time to relax and process, and you know what I�ve come up with?

Nothing.

I have no feelings about the note, I�m scared shitless for Leenie, worried about losing Jenny, confused about where my money has gone, and wondering about whether or not brother dear will even be here in August for us to move in together. Round and round and round my mind has been going, trying to find a stationary thought to lock onto and concentrate on, but I can�t, and so I just keep on tumbling the thoughts and letting the apprehension build and now it�s about to the breaking point.

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I wish I had words to communicate what I�m feeling about Leenie right now�but there are none. We went out Saturday after all, and I was miserable the whole time. She was so scared, and she just kept saying she didn�t want to be cut and kept hugging and kissing me and I promised her I�d be at the hospital the whole time and she looked as if she would cry. My Leenie, my girl, the only one I�ve never had a beef with or argued with�even though we don�t see each other a lot or talk on the phone much, she means the world to me�and if I lost her�I don�t know what the fuck I would do. I really don�t. I love her like water. She sustains me. She�s my rock.

And that�s all I have to say about that.

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No word from Swiz, but that�s not a surprise. I hate waiting for him. I hate not being able to call him mine, but then, I don�t want him to be mine because I don�t trust him. I�m all kinds of confused when it comes to him.

Except for the sex. Ain�t no confusion there. He got, he got, he got what I need.

And that�s probably why my hot ass is stuck with him now.

Sex. It truly is my ultimate deal breaker.

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Haven�t seen Jenny in awhile. We both noticed that today. It has been like two weeks�I think. She has to go in for a procedure, and I was going to take her, but her mom or Jeannie is taking her. I will be there for the after effects though, so that should be fun. I haven�t had a day off in awhile anyway. It should be fun.

I have been trying to back off since she�s got a girl, but at the same time, I find myself searching for things to claim about her. She needs me to make her laugh, she needs me to act silly with, she needs me to fall apart�she needs me. This is what I repeat to myself when she tells me stories about her and Jeannie. This is what I repeat to myself to keep from screaming and acting like a jealous twit. She�s my friend. It�s not her fault I�m in love with her, so why should I spit my poison all over her wounds? Who am I to deny or downplay her happiness?

No one.

So I don�t. I am the good friend. I understand. What we have is stronger. What we have is real. We need each other. No one can replace us. We are bound.

This is what I say to myself when I think I�m losing her.

Which seems to be every five minutes.

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I am worried they will ship my brother out after all. They just announced how they are shipping out a bunch of reserves from Fort Dix, and since his sergeant is suddenly rushing his heart exam, I have a feeling they want to ship him in the next batch.

I can�t think about it.

Really, I can�t. it�s some kind of defense mechanism.

Every time I try to think about it�this is about as far as my mind will let it go.

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Gigs is coming to stay with me for awhile again so they can save up some money for the apartment they found. It will be tight, but hey, she needs a place to stay and frankly, I think her and Stick need some time apart. He has really been tripping lately and I have a feeling he�s on something�.and worse than that�that he�s cheating.

I really don�t think he wants that side of Gigs to come back.

And as much as I like Stick, I will join her in kicking his ass.

For real.

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I need a boyfriend, Jenny tells me. One of my own. A good one. Someone to love.

Someone to love me.

I deserve it, she says.

But what good would I be to anyone except someone that�s just as broken as me?

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