point of origin
December 09, 2003 � 9:46 p.m.

First Entry Today

I�ve pinpointed the origin of the sadness.

It was that conversation I had with Darryl the other night.

The memories are back.

The voices are back.

That feeling is crawling under my skin again.

I�m told to get over it. That I make my own destiny. That none of it is my fault or my doing.

Since when is anything that fucking easy? You can�t just unlearn things you were told or believed your entire life. You can�t erase memories. You can�t change lives or emotions or habits over night. That takes time.

I just distanced myself from the main corruptor in my life. It�s going to take time for me to come to terms with, accept, and change the fucked up shit that has happened to me and move on and make myself a better life.

Is this an excuse?

No.

Does this have a point?

I guess�not really�I forgot what the fuck I wanted to say.

I guess it�s like with an addiction�like drinking or getting high or gambling�you have to hit rock bottom before you can look at your life and realize that there�s nowhere else to go. No one else to blame. Nothing else to hurt. The bottom is where you�re all alone in the dark and all you can do is reach out and feel the scars on your soul and listen to the emptiness.

I don�t think this is bottom, but it�s pretty fucking close.

I wish we had never had that stupid fucking conversation.

I wish I were stronger.

I wish�

I wish I still cared�

about anything�

besides not caring anymore.