depression and sofas and beers...oh my!!
December 08, 2003 � 8:50 p.m.

First Entry Today

Please bear with me, as my mind is quite muddled and I know things will come out fragmented and confused and hard to understand. Those who know me well already know this of me�and understand the confusion�and to those few that get me�

You Are Appreciated.

Saturday I rode in with my new girl Etta. She just got hired at nuthouse123 not too long ago, and already, she�s feeling the suffocating, petty, bullshit that goes on around here sometimes. It was still snowing in the morning and she didn�t want to drive in to work in the snow alone, so I rode with her, vowing if we die, I couldn�t think of a cooler chick to ride or die with.

We get in and it was pretty back up and shit, so we fell into working quietly, and when I had to have a pow wow with Monkey about something, he surprised me by asking me to go to Ikea with him. I told him I came with Etta so I had to leave with her, and he looked kind of hurt, so I asked Etta if she felt like riding with him to Ikea and she relented so we were stuck. The ride up there was cool. It was fun actually, as we sat stuck in traffic for some unknown reason for like 45 min, just to cut through Camden for a block and jump back on the pike to hit the bridge. I mainly sat in the back seat quiet, pissed at myself for not really bothering to get dressed and do my hair before coming to work, and now I�m going out in public looking like some b-girl throw back in a funky sweat suit. I was dressed for warmth, not beauty, and the closer we got there, the more I felt it.

When we went in there, I was amazed! I was digging the way they had the rooms set up already suggestively so it would be easy for one to figure out how to set up their own room. We had fun going through the rooms, but the longer I was out, the more uncomfortable I was feeling. I hated the grungy outfit, I hated my messy hair, I hated not having any make up or perfume on�I hated myself more with every step, and all I wanted to do was leave, go home, and crawl into a ball forever. The more we walked around, the further I distanced myself from them, as it started to feel like I was a third wheel on a date more than three friends furniture shopping. Not that they did anything to make me feel out of place or anything, I just did, so I became quiet and withdrawn and just ambled on behind them, occasionally speaking or moving so it was noticeable I was with them.

I�ve never been so happy to get out of a store in all my life.

Leenie had called while I was in the store to let me know that �girl�s night out� was still on, so I called Jenny to see if she would want to come with me, only to be told she didn�t feel like going out. I asked Etta, but she had other plans. I asked Monkey, but he gave his stock answer of �call me� which means no. I even called Swiz, who didn�t pick up his phone, and left him a message informing him of the get together. He never called back. So I had to fly solo�and that�s just how I felt�so low�as I wondered why I didn�t have more friends or a boyfriend or a fuck buddy or someone I could call on when�when�being myself is just the last thing I want to be.

So yeah, heading up to the Coast, I was in one hella funky mood.

The gang was there, and Suki�s husband Fred was there this time. Leenie said after he knew I was coming, he wanted to come and see me. Why, I have no clue, but I just took as him trying to hook me up with his brother. I like being around Fred, though. He makes everything so much fucking fun, that I couldn�t stay in a sour mood for long. Well, that and the Teas, Crack House shots, and beers. Who could stay sad when drunk and hanging off the arm of a handsome man with an accent?

He sat next to me, upset with me because I refused to get my big ass out on the floor and make an ass out myself by dancing, telling me I was beautiful and he knew I could dance and I shouldn�t be so shy all of the time. The longer I sat there bopping my drunken head to the music, the worse I felt, as Leenie, Fred, and Suki systematically came to me and tried to persuade me to get on the floor and acting pissed when I said no and insisted I don�t dance.

Like they don�t already know that. Like that�s anything fucking new. I don�t� fucking dance.

Period.

Leenie shocked me when she said Swiz had called her and asked if we were going out earlier, and when she told him we were, he said his money was off and he would try to make it, but no guarantees. I don�t know why hearing that made me feel like shit, but it did, and I felt as if I would cry, but instead I sucked down 2 more Coronas and chain smoked 4 ciggies to make the feeling go away. There was a table of guys that were looking our way at Leenie and Suki, so I tried to keep my face turned and my attention glued to my bottle to make the time go by. I don�t know why, but I was fucking miserable.

Finally, last dance came, and to my chagrin, one of the cute guys from the cute table came over and asked me to dance. I just stared at him and said no, asking why he wanted me to dance. He said he�d been noticing me dancing in my chair all night and wanted me to have the last dance with him. Leenie tilted my stool so I almost fell into his arms, and before I could bolt out the door, I was pushed and pulled onto the floor and into his arms. I made a snide remark about him losing a bet or something, because honestly, he was a cute white guy�tall, dark hair, crystal blue eyes�and anyone would have made a better dance partner than me. ANYONE. He looked down at me and smiled and said I had it wrong, that he was honored that I would dance with him and he was happy he got to dance with such a beautiful woman.

I wanted to punch him.

Instead, I rocked awkwardly in his arms, holding onto his biceps and avoiding his face and those damn eyes that stayed glued to my face the whole time. When the dance ended, I pried myself away from him and practically ran to the bar to get my shit and get out of there, but the guys started teasing me and all and he walked past us on his way out, grabbed my arm, softly kissed my cheek, and thanked me again for the dance.

I was beet red as I walked to the car.

I had drank way to much. Purposely, I think. I knew the road home was a bit funky and I knew cops were out and I knew one wrong swerve could be a drunken death, but I didn�t care. Luckily, I�m a good driver, so I just pulled over to a side street to settle for a bit. I must have called Jenny form there to tell her I was safe at home (why, I don�t know) when I reality, I stayed there until a little after 5:30 am, freezing my ass off.

And that�s when the tears came. I cried and cried and cried and I have no clue what brought it on. I am just so�unhappy�so�miserable. I feel so trapped. I just want to escape. To go away. To disappear. I don�t want to be the lonely, fat, ugly girl that gets treated like some kind of fucking pet that needs to be handled. I don�t want to look in the mirror anymore. I don�t want to be touched or talked to or loved anymore, because the more I want those things, the more elusive they become. I don�t want a Christmas without a tree or a boyfriend or a brother. I don�t want to go on a cruise to somewhere I will feel completely uncomfortable in my fucking skin, waiting for something bad to happen or some smart remark to be made or embarrassing Jenny or my uncle in some way.

I want to run away, run away, run away�and never look back.

I don�t know where this is coming from. Just last week I was happy. Just last week I was looking forward to the future, and now I just want the future to go away.

I don�t want to be this way, anymore.

I don�t want to be here anymore.

I don�t want to be�anymore.

Where is this coming from?

I just want�peace.