...but if you try sometimes, you get what you need
September 14, 2004 � 6:50 p.m.

Today�s Weather: Dreary, slow, and apprehensive

I have been exhausted lately.

The kind of exhausted from when you have a whole lot of nothing going on in your life. You know what I mean�like there�s a bunch of things going on, pulling my mind this way and that and stressing me out, but none of it really means anything. None of the things going on are really important things�and that�s exhausting me.

If I�m going to be stressed out, I at least want to be stressed for a good reason.

My wants are really outweighing my needs right about now. I want all this new stuff for my new apartment (October first baby!!), but because I got the new car, I ate up my extra paycheck for this month�thus nulling my little shopping spree for the place. I still have the things on layaway at Wal-Mart, but that is all stuff I need for the place. I want to have a black, red, and white Betty Boop bathroom (shut it) but now I can�t afford the cool ass shower curtain or the rest of the bathroom accessories (not Betty Boop, only the curtain and wall clock is Betty�the rest is Bed, Bath, and Beyond), I want the hanging dish rack, utility rack, shelf, and living room table from Ikea, a canopy, a new bed for the canopy, and a new stereo for my room. That�s not much, really�especially since everything I have now are hand me downs from my momma and Jack�I never really got to go shopping for my place�and I don�t know�right now it REALLY seems important to me. Since Darryl will have his own room, I can have my living room back and I will be able to have people over and chill in the living room and watch movies and what not. I want to have things that can open up the space of the place so it doesn�t always seem so damn cluttered. Even when it�s not dirty it�s crowded�so it seems messy when it�s really not. I don�t know. I guess I�m just being girly about it. I want to have a pretty place to live and entertain in�so fucking sue me!!

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I�m always stressing about the new bills I will have starting next month. With an extra almost $500 bucks coming out of my pay, I am really starting to get nervous. I mean�what if I lose my job? Worse�what if Darryl loses HIS job? There is no way in hell either one of us could float ALL the bills. No way. And I am so afraid that it was really stupid to make a 5-year commitment to basically paying a bill on time. What if I�m late? What if I miss a payment? Do they just come and take my car away after all of the money I sank into it? Worse yet, what if I am more like my mom than I think I am and I get my ass in a bunch of trouble with all these bills and my electric gets cut off or we don�t have any food in the house or they want to repossess my car or Darryl decides he wants to move out? What then, what then, what then? Bills always freak me out. I�m always afraid that my adult life will mirror my childhood�that I will make stupid moves that do nothing more than dig me a bigger debt hole. I don�t want to have to choose which bill I will pay or start with the partial payments or anything like that. As soon as my mom started that shit, it was all down hill. I still have nightmares about bill collectors calling and Rent-A-Center banging on the door, or the cable guys lurking around the house, trying to find the box to disconnect us from outside, or the cops knocking to tell us to get out. I don�t ever, EVER want to live that way again. I don�t want my children to ever know what it feels like to move around every year or be hungry and freezing in a house without electricity or hiding when cops come banging on the door with their sheriff sale notice. My mother didn�t and doesn�t understand her limits�I know mine. I know when to say I don�t need this or this is not necessary or this is out of my price range. She�s more lavish than she can afford. I�m glad I didn�t get that from her. I am so happy that I am content with simple things and don�t need a big wardrobe or a lot of purses and shoes or to eat out every night or go to the hair and nail salon every other week. Granted, I would like to be able to do some of those things, but I don�t fucking need it. I learned the hard way about choices and consequences. Hell, I won�t EVEN get started on how she squandered my fucking college money.

No�I never want to live through that again, and I am scared shitless I might have just opened the door to that possibility.

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I have been emailing back and forth with Jenny. I would like to say everything is great. But that would be a lie. It�s nice she�s been writing me and all, but nothing feels the same. It�s almost like it was in the beginning�when we were friends of a mutual friend that just happened to start emailing each other. It�s like I resent having to tell her things so she can catch up with my life. You know what�if you were really my friend, especially my best friend, than you would know about my new apartment, my car, my cat�you would know if I still go out on Saturdays with Leenie or if I�m still going the drama with Swiz�right? I know I can�t be overreacting here. Friends are supposed to know what�s going on in each other�s lives�not trying to catch up via email. And no�we still haven�t spoken on the phone. I refuse to try again and she hasn�t attempted again so it�s left at that. She emailed today and offered to come and help me move, and I told her I don�t mind�I wouldn�t expect her to move anything, but if she wanted to help set shit up�it�s cool. Her birthday was on Sunday. I sent her an e-card. I felt shitty doing it, because I could have hopped into my car and drove over there to see her and wish her a happy birthday, but honestly? She didn�t deserve it. I didn�t want to stop doing nothing to go a wish her a happy birthday because she was not worth the time. Even when we were cool, she had snubbed me on my birthday after I did all I did for her on hers�so I think either way, I wouldn�t be doing shit for her this year. Yeah�I�m still pissed about that.

The other night I watched FINDING NEMO, and whenever Dory was on the screen I thought about Jenny, and when the movie went off, I cried because I missed her so much. I cried because the entire cruise we were �speaking whale� and people would look at us like we were crazy and we would fall into hysterics. I cried because watching that, I realized how far apart we are now and there isn�t any going back�no matter how much I might want to or how much I still love her�we can�t go back. I wrote her an email telling her this, but her birthday was the next day, so I didn�t. I didn�t want to ruin her birthday with bullshit.

I guess I�ll just say something when she comes to help me move�if she shows up.

Of all the people I imagine coming and going from my life�I never thought of her as gone�even when we weren�t speaking, I never thought of her as gone�but she is gone�she left of her own accord�and I won�t make excuses for neither of us anymore.

Neither one of us is who we thought we were.

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Maybe I spoke prematurely with the Swiz issue.

**sigh**

Everything that has to do with the Swiz issue is premature.

He came over Saturday night. I was drunk off my ass and I figured I would give him the last chance�the third strike�before writing him off forever and trying to move on.

Wouldn�t you know it, he fucking answered. And he came. And I forgave him for everything.

He sat next to me, leaning against me, and he called me baby and wrapped himself around my legs while he smoked his cigarette. How could I not forgive him? Then we had a conversation that went like this:

Me- where have you been?

Him- you haven�t called me. I haven�t been sleeping well. Work is stressing me. I haven�t slept in like 3 days.

Me- so I have to call you all the time now?

Him- no�I just thought�you didn�t want to�anymore.

Me- do you have a girlfriend?

Him- no�do you have a boyfriend?

Me- would you be here if I did?

Him- shrugs

Me- no�you wouldn�t. no�I don�t have a boyfriend. (mumbled) I just want to be with you.

Then we have good sex�not the greatest�but sweet. After, we were tangled together, and I laid there kissing his stomach while wrapped around one of his legs, and he had his arm around me, his thigh draped over my shoulder, and his other hand on my head. It was so fucking peaceful.

Me- can I ask you something without you getting all weird?

Him- sure.

Me- do you care about me at all? Even just a little bit?

Him- (after a pause) mmm hmmmm. I do.

Me- really?

Him- indeed. (smile)

Me- if you get a girl or you don�t want to see me anymore, will you please tell me?

Him- I can�t see that happening, but yes, I�d definitely tell you.

Me- (smile) do you want to leave now?

Him- I have to get up early, but I want to stay here. I haven�t been able to sleep, but right now, I feel so�at�peace. Can I stay here with you?

Me- ok. (he moves to reach for something) want me to move so you can rest.

Him- no�I was reaching for the blanket (laughs�I pull up the blanket) stay right where you are. (his whole body hugs mine and we fall asleep)

I did move finally�and he pulled from me and I was about to turn around, but he snuggled back against me. I wrapped my arm around him and he came closer. I kissed his shoulder and he sighed. We fell asleep.

With everything so topsy turvey and nerve wrecking, one thing has become crystallized to me�

I will be in love with this man for the rest of my life.