my neck...my back...
February 27, 2004 � 1:19 a.m.

First Entry Today

Today�s Weather: A quandrous hailstorm is on the way

Today was not a good day.

I was sitting at my desk and I had emailed Jenny several stupid emails, and I hadn�t heard anything back from her. I turned and saw that Jack had heard from her, and felt uneasy at first, then just pissed off. I mean, we did speak and bury things, but we haven�t really spoken since. A few im�s here and there, but no real communication. We haven�t seen each other since my birthday bar hop and haven�t spoken on the phone since the day she told me about Einstein. It�s like we�re talking�but we�re not really talking. That really bothers me. But what bothers me more is that I really don�t care much�that I�m not waiting to hear from her and not wanting to call her or see her. I don�t understand it. I�m not really mad at her anymore�but I just feel�weird about her�about us�and I don�t want to be around her. Maybe it�s just the lack of sleep, I don�t know. I have been strange all week. Highly emotional, like that�s any different, but very reclusive also.

Maybe it�s just me�or maybe it�s us�but I just to have the energy to worry and question what�s going on with her right now.

My mind is muddled enough.

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I�ve sprained my neck and my back, if you can believe it. I got only 3 hours of sleep, and I slept wrong somehow, and woke up with a crick in my neck. Well, somehow during the day, my back started hurting�just on one side near my lung, and it hurts when I stand straight or breathe too deep. Worst part is, that I have a busy weekend ahead of me, and I don�t know how I�m going to do anything. I can�t even raise my arms to wash or do my hair. I�m fucking falling apart over here!!

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One of the daughter�s of a lady I work with brought in her baby today. At first, I didn�t go over, but then I thought it would seem rude if I didn�t since most of the office had went over to see her. I walked up and saw the baby and my breath caught in my throat. She was so pink and tiny and adorable!! I just wanted to crush her to me and never let go! I stood there hovering�afraid to come to close�spitting out stupid bits about this and that�wondering why I felt so nervous and unsure�and as I looked at her head of dark hair and her sleeping face, it hit me.

If my baby had lived, it would be about a month older than her. I would have been the one standing there and showing it off. I would be crooning and fussing over it. I would be the proud and exhausted mother.

I had to walk away then, as the tears stung my eyes and threatened to fall. It has been so long since I really thought about it�felt anything about it�losing the baby. I sat there at me desk, holding my stomach, thinking of the pain and the tears and fear I had felt that night. I thought about Cowboy and his lies and how he had left me sitting there crying in my car, walking away from me like I wasn�t shit to him. I thought of all the months I had been so lost and depressed and scared and lonely�and I wondered what my life would be like if he hadn�t walked away. Would I be living here? Would I still be in the dark about how I really felt about him? Would I be happy?

Would my baby have lived?

For the rest of the day, I have been playing the �what if� game�wondering how different my life would be�or if it would be any different at all. Were all those things just inevitable to happen? The break up, the confusion, the baby, Jenny�and Swiz? Would these events have taken place anyway, just at a different time?

It�s funny that way�life�the way it twists and turns and never ends up being the way we plan or think it should be.

After my third shot of rum, I stopped pondering it all and just gave up. This is my life�for better or worse�and though I can�t stand it most of the time�

I wouldn�t have it any other way.