my life, my life, my life
November 14, 2003 � 7:14 p.m.

First Entry Today

Quite an eventful uneventful couple of days.

Yes�I am feeling quite quixotic, so most of what will be seen will not be understood but then again�when have I ever been?

In other words, a lot more bullshit like that, so be prepared to be frustrated and confused, because that�s just how I feel and being the giving person I am, I love to share.

Oh Joy!!

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My brother has informed me that he may get activated in December. If activated, he will have to go to MP training for 4 months before being shipped to either Italy, Iraq, or Hawaii. My little brother, whom I raised, practically�who I love more than breathing, might get shipped out to Iraq for a year.

A year.

My brother.

You would think that being in the National Guard Reserves, he would not get shipped out anywhere, since it�s basically to guard the fucking nation! He�s nothing more than a glorified state trooper, really, and they want to take him away from me and stick him in some foreign country where he might be hurt or scared or killed and I won�t be there to keep him safe or make it all better.

These mother fuckers are out of their God damned minds if they really think that they are going to just take my brother away and stick him in some fucking war zone. Those fucking recruiters sat in our living room lying their fucking asses off and I stared at my brother and shook my head and tried to expose them every time they spat out a lie, but he did not see. He did not hear. All he heard was �free college education� and �no chance of activation� and �$2500 bonus�. He didn�t realize this meant he automatically had signed up for 6 years and not the usual 4�he didn�t know that he COULD be activated in times of war, in fact, they are the FIRST to be deployed�he did not realize that he would have to fight for them to keep the promise of paying all of the school bills or that he could get fired from jobs because of his monthly duties or his yearly 2 week training�no�he didn�t realize any of that was coming, and those slick faced bastards waltzed into our lives, smiling as they watched my brother ignorantly sign what could possibly his death warrant.

All of this for a college education�that they still haven�t covered the bill for.

All because my brother was so damn eager to get out of the house and away from our mother that loves him too much.

All of this�because for the first time in his life�he didn�t listen to me.

I would lose my fucking mind if anything ever happened to him, I seriously would have some kind of mental breakdown. He is my brother, my son, my father, my confidant, my nemesis, my hero�my heartbeat.

The thought�just the thought of him away from me and possibly in danger has me in a fucking tizzy. When he told me, he looked at me, and I saw the fear in his face as he bravely said the words, and when the tears stung my eyes he looked away and said, �Not you�don�t do that. You are my strength. I am strong as long as you�re strong. I�m fine as long as you�re fine. It�ll all work out, I hope.� He got up and left then, his head hung low and a worried frown plastered on his lips, and as soon as the door shut and the realization sunk in, I threw my cup against the wall and screamed in frustration. He had been so foolish to sign that paper�he had been so completely stupid in trusting what those assholes told him�and now�my brother who has never been anywhere will have to go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, without anyone to help him through it all.

I cried most of the night, burdened by this secret that we can�t tell anyone until we know for sure. I cried silently until the tears stopped flowing, and I vowed that he would never see weakness whenever this is mentioned and no matter what they tell him next month.

I am strong if he is strong.

When I cry he feels my tears.

But my fear and sorrow are all my own.

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Jenny left for Florida this morning to help Sassy drive back up here. Sassy is Jenny�s high school best friend that is moving back up here for a new job and will be staying with Jenny for a while.

And I am completely jealous.

I feel like it won�t be the Jenny and Thea Show anymore. I will be booted out for the old more popular co-star. It will once again be the Jenny and Sassy Show, guest starring Cowboy, Lady, and Peep�with special guest Thea�who may or may not be picked up for a recurring role.

How retarded is that?

I am jealous because my best friend�s former best friend (also the high school crush of my former fianc� who happens to be my best friend�s room mate) is coming to town and moving in with her. I see some rough waters ahead. This can get all kinds of sticky.

Now I�ve met Sassy, and I absolutely LOVE her! She is so funny and open and beautiful�she steals attention wherever she goes. Not that she tries, she�s just �one of those� girls that got it like that. She�s everything that I�m not and she�s staying there with them and I just feel like I will be totally squeezed out of the picture.

Fuck�I have reverted back to grade school, haven�t I?

She�s my best friend, not yours!

My dog�s better than your dog!

Tag and no touch back�you got cooties!!

Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!!

I. Am. An. Ass.

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Jack got a new title at work.

That�s Jack �2 Thea- 0.

I asked my supervisor, too. I asked him if he had given Jack a new title and he looked me dead in the face and said no. I had read it in Jack�s journal, so I knew it to be true, but Monkey, who told me he couldn�t make anyone a supervisor because the big boss man wouldn�t have it, stared me down and told me that he didn�t give Jack a new title.

Jack is now the OP Supervisor. Officially, he�s my boss.

I�ve been here longer, worked longer hours and weeks, and had more tasks for multitasking than he has�and he got promoted by two titles in about a month and a half.

I get nothing.

But more work.

And more shit for having too many hours.

And get told that I don�t do anything all day.

I�m not angry at Jack at all, though I was quite pissed when he offered to push my promotion on Monkey. It shouldn�t have to be pushed. My work has been evident. My abilities are clear as hell. He even gave me the second best review in the department.

And he just looked me in the face and lied.

It�s not Jack got it and I got passed over�AGAIN�it�s that I was lied to twice AND got passed over�.AGAIN. That�s like someone saying fuck you, spitting in your face, and then proceeding to rape you up the ass with a steel spiked dildo.

They are fucking me raw and I don�t even have the right to scream or cry�because I let them do this to me�I smile and moan and act like it�s good to me�while inside I�m dying as they rape my soul.

Today was the first day�even though I have said it before, this time I really felt it�I will never get anywhere here no matter how hard I try. I hate this place now as much as it has always hated me.

I really don�t belong here anymore.

And knowing that, fucking hurts�so much more than I thought it would.

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I went and got my passport picture this morning, and you know what�I�ll be damned, but it spurred a bit of excitement in me again. I mean�I will be on a cruise, going to Mexico and then chilling in the Big Easy for a night.

I will be going somewhere.

I will be bringing in the new year on a big ass boat, dancing and drinking at a fucking formal ball. Sometimes�I really need to just step back and appreciate all of the good things I have going for me instead on focusing and preparing for the bad. Jenny says I�m not a drama queen, because my life is full of drama�I am just dramatic in my romances. It�s always worry, negativity, and degradation�but passion, passion, passion. She said I�m very dramatic and passionate about my loves and sometimes my emotions get overloaded and just can�t keep up with me.

Some say basket case, she says passionate.

EE-ther, I-ther�nee-ther, ni-ther�let�s call the whole thing off.

My name is Thea, and I gots �the passion�.

This is my story.

This is my life.